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  1. Actress Nse Ikpe-Etim sister, Uyai, narrates her ordeal in the hands of her ex-partner and LGBT Activist, Amara. I don't even know where to start.
  2. Cynthia*, 30, and Ezinne*, 29, have been dating for six months. falling for each other despite being married. What’s your earliest memory of each other? Ezinne: I read her story on Zikoko and reached out because it was similar to mine — also published on Zikoko. I thought the woman in the story and I were living the same life. She was queer like me, married, had a kid and also felt unsatisfied with her life. I did some digging — reached out to Zikoko — and got her contact with her permission. Cynthia: When Ezinne messaged me on Twitter, I liked that she sounded friendly. Texting flowed. She sent me her pictures and I thought she was a fine babe. I sent her my picture too, and we just kept texting. What did you two talk about? Ezinne: Random stuff mostly, but the conversations were deep. We talked about how much we love our jobs. I told her about planning for school. We both knew we were married, but we didn’t talk about that… The week we started chatting, I was in Surulere to meet up with a friend, and remembered she worked in the area. I texted Cynthia my location and asked if I could buy her lunch. She didn’t have to meet me — I could send it to her office. Did you want lunch, Cynthia? Cynthia: I did, but only if I got to see her. I left my office after a few minutes to meet her at the restaurant. I walked into the restaurant, and there she was. She had the goofiest face I had ever seen. I thought, “WTF have I gotten myself into?” Ezinne: LOL. In my defence, I made a goofy face because I saw her before she saw me, and I could see that she was quite uneasy. Cynthia: I wasn’t uneasy; I was just looking for you. I don’t like waiting for people. Ezinne: Okay, I was trying to make you comfortable by making you laugh. That’s nice. Tell us about the date. Cynthia: It went well. We vibed. We made each other laugh a lot. Lunch became early dinner because of gist. Ezinne: I could have stayed there for the whole night listening to her talk about her childhood. I love that she got comfortable with me and that made it very sweet. Cynthia: At the end of the date, she took me home. And feelings got caught in 3, 2, 1… Cynthia: LOL. Calm down. We talked about hanging out again. A few days later, she took me to the supermarket after work to get groceries and dropped me at home afterwards. When we got to my house, I told her I had fun, and she said she’d like to see me again. I leaned in for a hug, but this woman gave me a fist bump. Ezinne: LOL. I was nervous. What I really wanted to do was peck her on the cheek. When I got home that night, I told her that her eyes were big enough for someone to get lost in. Cynthia: That compliment made me blush. That’s when I knew I had fallen for her. Ezinne, was that the plan all along? Ezinne: Not really. I was still getting to know her. For a month we were just chatting each other up. Then I fell sick. Cynthia: That illness sped things up. I went to see her, we watched Netflix and ate ofe nsala with pounded yam. That was my first time trying ofe nsala, and damn, Igbo people are enjoying. Ezinne: LOL. She was really nice during that period. She called often to make sure I was okay. When I got better, I resigned from my job. The day after my resignation, she asked what I was doing and I said nothing, she could come to fill me up. She laughed and agreed to come over, so I sent an Uber to pick her up. Smooth… Cynthia: When it was time for me to leave that day, she pulled me into a kiss. Ezinne: You kissed me back… Cynthia: Ehn. But the koko is you started it. After the kiss, our conversations became more flirty. She invited me over again. This time, she gave me turkey and spaghetti while we watched movies. This woman was using food and Netflix to get into my heart. Another time, we were watching movies at her house when NEPA took the light. In the dark, while we were waiting for the light to come on, she reached for my face and we started making out. It was hot as f***k. Ezinne: I had told her before then that I don’t let people touch me during sex. She told me it wasn’t going to work for her. That day, on the floor, as she touched me, I realised I liked it a lot. The sex was crazy good. I don’t know if I should ask about your partners at this point. Ezinne: My husband was at work and my kid was at school. Cynthia: Same as mine. Cool. What happened after the sex? Cynthia: We became even closer. We started calling each other more. That was a bit difficult at first because I didn’t have earphones, and there were always too many people around me. She said she was gonna get me AirPods to help with that. I was like, “Hell no, I’m not letting you get me something that expensive.” This babe kept shut, then one day she asked me to meet her at the mall. Guess what she was holding when I got there? Ezinne, there are enemies around me please. Ezinne: LMAO. I just wanted to be able to talk to her the way I wanted. Cynthia: She wanted to flirt. She’s worse than me when it comes to flirting. We were doing movies and ofe nsala, and she was flirting with other women on the timeline. Ezinne? Ezinne: LOL, I asked her to date me and she said no oh. Cynthia: I said I wanted to see how things go because whenever I put a label on anything, it turns sour. Ezinne: And I understood that. I blame my hair oh. A few days after we talked about this, I cut my hair. I look extra hot to women every time I cut my hair, so I was basking in the attention. That’s the flirting she’s talking about. I talked to a few women, but it was nothing. I wanted to be with Cynthia. When she told me she was ready to be exclusive, I was really happy. What got you ready, Cynthia? Cynthia: I felt it. Before I met Ezinne, I had just broken up with my ex for being single. I gradually felt pressured she would want more than I could offer. I told myself I wasn’t going to date again after that, but Ezinne was different — she was married like me. She understands the dynamics of being married and being with a woman. When I have family time, she understands, and so do I when she has to attend to her family. We both understand our responsibilities as partners to each other and to other people. It’s easier like this. Ezinne: Yup. There’s a safety net being married gives us. I think the fact that she is also a married woman helped our relationship grow. We both understand the risks involved. Okay. How has the relationship been so far? Ezinne: It’s been great. She’s very supportive of me and my endeavours. Whenever I do something at work, she always hypes me up and I love that. We’re alike in many aspects. For example, we both procrastinate on tasks until the last minute. Cynthia: Yup, but we’re also different in many ways. For example, if I want to open a bar of soap, I’d take my time to open the pack but this babe will just rip the whole thing apart like a hoodlum. LOL, this sounds like a live-in couple problem. Do you two live together? Cynthia: Not really. She visits often and whenever she does, she sleeps over. Once again, your husbands? Ezinne: LOL. My husband knows her as one of my best friends, and honestly, what I have with my husband is different from what I have with Cynthia. With Cynthia, my feelings are deeper, more tangible. I feel like I can touch what I feel. I guess this is what makes everything else great with her. Cynthia: I know right. My feelings for Ezinne don’t interfere with the relationship I have with my husband. Do you think they are suspicious about your relationship? Cynthia: I don’t think so. Everybody knows her as my best friend — husband, friends, even my mum. My kid still sleeps with me and my husband. Whenever she’s around, she stays in the guest room. We only have sex when it’s just us in the house. My husband doesn’t come home early because of work so we have enough time. What of yours, Ezinne? Ezinne: I don’t think he suspects anything either. He is always at work when she comes over. Whenever she’s around, we’d f***k all over the house — my living room, my bedroom, my store. LOL. Store? Ezinne: Yes oh, it’s crazy how good the sex is. The way I have sex has changed with her. In my previous sexual relationships, I was always the dominant partner in bed — the one who did most of the work during sex, but with Cynthia, that dynamic changed. Cynthia: LOL, it was a goal I set. I wanted to please you too — make you cum as much as you make me cum. It started with you letting me touch you one day. Next thing, I had you standing with one leg on my shoulder, cumming. Ezinne: You are so wild. Cynthia: LOL. After that day, I knew I had you. Interesting, so do you two fight? Cynthia: Not really, but the thing is she’s a flirt — worse than I am. But she’s refused to accept that side of her. When I asked to be exclusive, it was because I saw the way she was flirting with other women. But even after we became exclusive, she continued to flirt with other women. Did something in particular happen? Ezinne: There’s this babe that likes me. I told her I was in a relationship, but she no gree. One day, I had to sleep at her place because of traffic. That night, she tried to initiate something, but I shut it down. Cynthia: But you were still cuddling with her. She now even sent me a picture of the girl’s leg on her body. Ezinne: I wanted you to know that there was nothing going on. Hmm, so how did you two resolve it? Cynthia: I had to ask to open the relationship, so if anything happens with any of the women who like her, she won’t feel guilty or have to turn them down because of me. I didn’t want to grow too suspicious of her. I think things are better this way. Ezinne, what do you have to say about this? Ezinne: The thing I don’t notice when I’m flirting with women because that’s how I talk generally. That night she’s talking about was not planned. I didn’t think anything would happen. When I turned the girl down and she held me, I thought it was okay because I was soothing her. I sent a picture to Cynthia because I tell her everything happening in my life. Cynthia: I was offended, wondering why you weren’t removing yourself from the situation by leaving the bed or something. It felt like you were encouraging her to try again, and it’s not even fair on the girl. So now that the relationship is open, what’s it like? Cynthia: I think our relationship is better now. I am no longer suspicious of her and the thing is that we are both not looking to be with other people right now anyway. Ezinne: Yes, the goal is to build trust between each other. We want to get to a point where we would be open to things like threesomes without destroying our relationship. I love Cynthia and I know I f***ked up, so I am willing to do anything to make things work between us. What’s the best part of the relationship? Ezinne: She’s my healer. She helped me discover issues about myself I didn’t know I had. For example, the sex thing. I was a bit repressed before her. She taught me to let go. I love that I can absolutely be myself with her. I love playing with knives and she lets me do that with her. I also don’t have to tone down my driving for her — I can drive as reckless as I want when I’m with her. Cynthia: It’s the same for me too. I don’t ever feel like I need to hide anything from her. I’m not the easiest person to be around because I like things done a certain way at all times. I don’t like people touching my stuff and sometimes I feel guilty for being like that but Ezinne always lets me know that it’s ok to be myself. She encourages me to express myself the way I want to around her. I love how honest and open our relationship is. What’s your favourite part of each other? Ezinne: I love her eyes so much and she’s also very romantic. I love the way she talks and how she laughs. She can make a joke out of anything and I love that about her. Cynthia: I love that you’re very smart. Every time you have an idea, in my head, I’m like, “How does this babe come up with this stuff?” There’s also a part of her mind that’s like a toddler, so she does cute things like miss her way around the house. It makes me laugh all the time. Sweet. Do you have future plans for each other? Ezinne: Honestly, I want to have a baby with her. I would like to see what a baby we make would look like. If they would have her eyes or her smile. Cynthia: My personal plan is to japa with her. I don’t know how it’s going to happen; whether we’d run away from our husbands or they agree to send us abroad. I just know we have to leave this country to a place where we don’t have to hide to love each other. Aww, fingers crossed. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10. Ezinne: I’d say a 7 because there’s always room for improvement. Cynthia: 8 for me, for the same reason. Aside from that, this is honestly the best relationship I’ve ever been in.
  3. As shared on Social Media What is that thing you can never reject no matter how angry you are?
  4. kimi

    NL Long Service Award

    Hello Ladies, This has been on my mind for sometime now. There are a few members who have been consistent on NL. Who show up. Who keep this place active and alive. If this were a formal association, these humans would have been leaving with a dish washer or a washing machine or even a motor car. Loool. In the absence of physical gifts, this post is our show of appreciation. Feel free to tag members who you think deserve this accolade. Typically, these sort of awards start from 5 years of active participation onwards.
  5. I couldn't think of a better place to host this subject. I am very passionate about Africa and African History and my passion has simply deepened over the years. By African, I also refer to those commonly referred to as Blacks and also those who have African as a prefix when filling the ethnicity section. I would use this space to share some content in the hope that it will evoke a strong sense of heritage. By and large, there is an identity crisis in the continent (or among Blacks in general) -one which we can ourselves correct if we know our history and by so doing discover our collective strength.
  6. kimi

    Coming Out Day Stories

    Hey girls, How are you all keeping? 🌈☻ https://www.instagram.com/tv/CU5NMPeA2BX/?utm_medium=copy_link
  7. kimi

    Self-Sabotaging at Work

    Hi Girls, So here's the thing. I've made an observation with younger women in the corporate world. They communicate with their emotions rather than using their words. So for example, they rebel, or give an attitude or worse off, deploy the silent treatment when they aren't happy with the terms of their work etc... and each time, they fail to realize that they are only setting themselves up for further harm. These occurences only spell out one thing -the need for women to invest in mentors or better still, seek out a sponsor who could play that role as well. Personally, I prefer female mentors but I've always had male ones... I would do another follow-up post on how to befriend a prospective mentor. I'm hoping that women would understand better the name of the 'game' and play it as professionally as their counterparts do. Selah 📿
  8. Portrait of a Lady on Fire “Portrait of a Lady on Fire is not simply a work of the female gaze, it is not simply a work of lesbian cinema. It is pushing against the boundaries of the screen, frantically, lovingly, desperately, erotically, grasping grasping grasping for a new language, a new way of seeing.” — Drew Gregory Wild Nights with Emily “During one of their meetings, Higginson tells Emily, “When I read your poetry, Miss Dickinson, I’m left feeling… I’m not sure what.” He could be paraphrasing the countless reviews written by male critics about queer and feminist art throughout history. Emily demures, but she could have told him that her poetry, like this film, was written without a man in mind.” — Heather Hogan Booksmart “The flavor may change slightly depending on how much of each ingredient you use, and the way those ingredients interact with each other, but the recipe for high school comedies remains largely the same. Enter Olivia Wilde’s Booksmart, a film that honors and skewers the genre. It also does what Mean Girls wouldn’t: It makes a main girl gay.” — Heather Hogan Her Smell Elisabeth Moss has played a lot of characters in her career, but none like Becky Something, a queer, narcissistic rockstar on a spiral into oblivion. Becky is a Joan Jett archetype dialed up to a zillion, destroying everything — men, women, herself — on her path to superstardom and burnout. The Heiresses Around here, we love a good queer midlife crisis that results in a sexual awakening, and Marcelo Martinessi’s film delivers that in glorious detail. Chela’s (Ana Brun) partner is arrested and in her quest to earn enough money to bail her out, after selling some family heirlooms, she decides to pick up a few shits as a taxi driver. A younger passenger sets her yearning in motion and the payoff is exquisite. Vita & Virginia Vita & Virginia wasn’t what it wanted to be, but it’s still a really solid film about real life gal pals Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West whose letters remain some of the most gut-punchingly romantic pieces of writing I have read to this day. It’s an absolutely fine afternoon diversion and frankly we need more lesbian films in that category. Bombshell “As a person who group up inside the cult of Fox News, and who spent years researching it academically to write about it, and who remembers every moment of the 2016 election in excruciating detail, I had absolutely no desire to watch Bombshell — until Riese told me Kate McKinnon finally plays an actual lesbian in it. I’m not talking about dyke-y hair and gun-licking as subtext. I’m not talking about just her general way. I’m talking about Kate McKinnon’s character having sex with Margot Robbie’s character and their relationship becoming the most emotionally resonant thing in the entire movie.” — Heather Hogan Charlie's Angels “And I’m going to go ahead and say it: Stewart’s Sabina is absolutely queer, even if it’s mostly subtextual. For some, there won’t be enough “evidence” to declare her a queer character, and I understand that to a degree. She’s certainly not out here kissing women between fight scenes (honestly, Cameron Diaz and Demi Moore come closer to kissing in Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle than any two women in this movie do), but that shouldn’t really be the sole marker of a character’s queerness. We see Sabina rather obviously check out a woman at the gym, and a lot of what she says about her past is seemingly intentionally ambiguous about her sexuality. Also, I’m not so sure Elena doesn’t have an ex-girlfriend, too, but I don’t want to give too much away.” — Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya Wine Country “It’s all wine and good times and inside jokes and singing and flirting (by Val with a server named Jade) on their first night in Napa, but when Cherry Jones shows up to give an inspired performance as an erratic, misanthropic tarot reader during their Saturday hangover, things take a turn for testy. The more vineyards they visit, the more wine they drink, the more they individually unravel; and then begins their collective cracking. Wine Country isn’t just womanhood and women’s friendships; it’s specifically middle age womanhood and friendships.” — Heather Hogan Someone Great “I think Someone Great was very effective in throwing its audience into the deep end and then working its way backwards, so that you got to know all of the characters better via flashbacks. One of the reasons that works is because… we all know what we signed up for before we hit play on the Netflix queue, right? We know a “girl power rom-com” and all its clichés. I appreciate that Someone Great didn’t try and pretend it was something it wasn’t. BUT I also think it worked well because Gina Rodriguez, DeWanda Wise, and Brittany Snow are all very empathetic actors. You care for them and want to root for them right away.” — Carmen Phillips Let it Snow “The inclusion of a queer romance in a film like this is exciting enough on its own. But what makes it all the more exciting is both Hewson and Akana are queer in real life! Hewson is non-binary and gay and Akana is bisexual. They’re both so good in their roles, bringing their charm and authenticity. Most mainstream movies continue to cast straight actors in queer parts, so this casting in the most mainstream genre is pretty revolutionary.” — Drew Gregory Sister Aimee “There’s no evidence that Aimee Semple McPherson was queer. But there’s no evidence that a lot of historical figures did a lot of the things they do on screen. Buck and Schlingmann are the storytellers here and there’s no reason they shouldn’t inject some subtle queerness into this already enigmatic life. The Kennys of the world have long been telling stories through their lens and there’s nothing more truthful about that perspective. Aimee was a remarkable woman in the truest sense of the word, and she deserves this movie made with equal parts reverence and irreverence.” — Drew Gregory Source
  9. kimi

    Favourite Words

    Hi Girls, There are certain words that I love the sound of. What are some of yours?
  10. As seen on social media Your partner wants to have a big wedding, you want to use the money to invest. She says if she can't have her wedding, she won't marry you. What will you do?
  11. PART ONE When you are a public figure, people will write and say false things about you. It comes with the territory. Many of those things you brush aside. Many you ignore. The people close to you advise you that silence is best. And it often is. Sometimes, though, silence makes a lie begin to take on the shimmer of truth. In this age of social media, where a story travels the world in minutes, silence sometimes means that other people can hijack your story and soon, their false version becomes the defining story about you. Falsehood flies, and the Truth comes limping after it, as Jonathan Swift wrote. Take the case of a young woman who attended my Lagos writing workshop some years ago; she stood out because she was bright and interested in feminism. After the workshop, I welcomed her into my life. I very rarely do this, because my past experiences with young Nigerians left me wary of people who are calculating and insincere and want to use me only as an opportunity. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I thought that was worth making an exception. She spent time in my Lagos home. We had long conversations. I was support-giver, counsellor, comforter. Then I gave an interview in March 2017 in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, (the larger point of which was to say that we should be able to acknowledge difference while being fully inclusive, that in fact the whole premise of inclusiveness is difference.) I was told she went on social media and insulted me. This woman knows me enough to know that I fully support the rights of trans people and all marginalized people. That I have always been fiercely supportive of difference, in general. And that I am a person who reads and thinks and forms my opinions in a carefully considered way. Of course she could very well have had concerns with the interview. That is fair enough. But I had a personal relationship with her. She could have emailed or called or texted me. Instead she went on social media to put on a public performance. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. But I mostly held myself responsible. My spirit had been slightly stalled, from the beginning, by her. My first sense of unease with her came when she posted a photo taken in my house, at a time when I did not want any photos of my personal life on social media. I asked that she take it down. The second case of unease was her publicizing something I had told her in confidence about another member of the workshop. The most upsetting was when she, without telling me, used my name to apply for an American visa. Above all else was my lingering suspicion that she was a person who chose as friends only those from whom she could benefit. But she was a Bright Young Nigerian Feminist and I allowed that sentiment to over-ride my unease. After she publicly insulted me, it was clear to me that this kind of noxious person had no business in my life, ever again. A few months later, she sent this affected, self-regarding email which I ignored. Friday September 15 2017 at 4.35 AM Dearest Chimamanda, Happy birthday. I mean this with all my heart, even though I know I have fallen (removed myself?) from your grace. It would be impossible for me to stop loving you; long before you gave me the possibility of being your friend you were the embodiment of my deepest hopes, and that will never change. I think of you often, still – stating the obvious. I grieve the loss of our friendship; it is a complicated sadness. I’m sorry that I caused you pain, or to feel like you can no longer trust me. There’s so much that I wish could be said. I pray this birthday is the happiest one yet. I wish you rest and quiet and abiding stability, and of course more of the kind of success that means the most to you. I hope mothering X is everything you hoped and prayed for and more. Have a wonderful day today. Love always. About a year later, she sent this email, which I also ignored. Thursday November 29 2018 at 8.42 AM Dear Chimamanda, I realise this is long overdue and vastly insufficient, but I’m really sorry. I’ve spent so much time going back and forth in my head and my email drafts; wondering whether to write you, how to write you, what to say, all kinds of things. But in the end, this is the thing I realise I need to say. I’m sorry I disappointed and hurt you by saying things publicly that were sharply critical, unkind and even disrespectful, especially in light of all the backlash and criticism you experience from people who don’t know you. I could have acted with more consideration towards you. I should have, especially given the privilege of intimacy that you had offered me. There are many reasons why I chose to behave the way I did, but none of them is an excuse. And I clearly realise now, after many, many months of needless sadness and angst and hurt and actual confusion, that I did not treat you as a friend would—certainly not as someone would to whom you had offered unprecedented access to yourself and your life. You’ve meant the world to me since I was barely a teenager. It’s been very hard navigating the emotional fallout of the past several months, knowing you were displeased with me but truly not quite understanding why, then deciding I didn’t care, then realising that would never be true. I’ve always cared. But I was too mixed up about the situation to be able to make sense of it, or properly see past my own justifications. I’m sorry it took me so long to grasp how I let you down. I realise that I don’t have room to ask anything of you, but I would be grateful for a chance to say this in person. Still, even if I never get that, I really hope you believe me. Congratulations on restarting the workshop, and on all the other amazing successes of the past several months. I think of you often; it would be impossible not to. You look so happy in your pictures. I really hope you are well. All my love, I hoped never to hear from her again. But she has recently gone on social media to write about how she “refused to kiss my ring,” as if I demanded some kind of obeisance from her. She also suggests that there is some dark, shadowy ‘more’ to tell that she won’t tell, with an undertone of “if only you knew the whole story.” It is a manipulative way of lying. By suggesting there is ‘more’ when you know very well that there isn’t, you do sufficient reputational damage while also being able to plead deniability. Innuendo without fact is immoral. No, there isn’t more to the story. It is a simple story – you got close to a famous person, you publicly insulted the famous person to aggrandize yourself, the famous person cut you off, you sent emails and texts that were ignored, and you then decided to go on social media to peddle falsehoods. It is obscene to tell the world that you refused to kiss a ring when in fact there isn’t any ring at all. I cannot make much of the hostility of strangers who do not know me – fame taints our view of the humanity of famous people. But the truth is that the famous person remains irretrievably human. Fame does not inoculate the famous person from disappointment and depression, fame does not make you any less angered or hurt by the duplicitous nature of people. To be famous is to be assumed to have power, which is true, but in the analysis of fame, people often ignore the vulnerability that comes with fame, and they are unable to see how others who have nothing to lose can lie and connive in order to take advantage of that fame, while not giving a single thought to the feelings and humanity of the famous person. And when you personally know a famous person, when you have experienced their humanity, when you have benefited from their kindness, and yet you are unable to extend to them the basic grace and respect that even a casual acquaintanceship deserves, then it says something fundamental about you. And in a deluded way, you will convince yourself that your hypocritical, self-regarding, compassion-free behavior is in fact principled feminism. It isn’t. You will wrap your mediocre malice in the false gauziness of ideological purity. But it’s still malice. You will tell yourself that being able to parrot the latest American Feminist orthodoxy justifies your hacking at the spirit of a person who had shown you only kindness. You can call your opportunism by any name, but it doesn’t make it any less of the ugly opportunism that it is. PART TWO When I first read this person’s work, which was their application to my writing workshop, I thought the sentences were well-done. I accepted this person. At the workshop, I thought they could have been more respectful of the other participants, perhaps not kept typing dismissively as others’ stories were discussed, with an air of being among people below their level. After the workshop, I decided to select the best stories, edit them, pay the writers a fee, and publish them in an e-magazine. The first story I chose was this person’s. I wrote a glowing introduction, which the story truly deserved. They sent this email. Fri, Aug 7, 2015, 8:20 AM Thank you so much for that introduction. It means so much to me and I’m going to keep reading it to get through the rest of my stay at Syracuse. I sent it to my mother and she got nervous about the piece because you said ‘it disturbs’, said she’s not sure how she’s going to feel when she reads it. But she’s also one of those ‘let’s leave the past in the past’ people. My sister approved, which meant a lot because our childhoods were each other’s. All that to say, I’m so grateful you gave me the space to write the short version of this piece, the encouragement to write the longer piece, and now, a platform for it. I definitely have plans to write more about Aba. Thank you, with all my heart. PS- I wanted to sign off gratefully + gracefully in Igbo but I said let me not fall my own hand 🙂 About a year later, they sent another email to let me know that their novel would be published. Wed, Jun 8, 2016, 8:20 AM Greetings! I hope all’s been well with you this past year. Belated congratulations on the baby’s arrival, I hope she’s being a delight (I’m sure she is), and on the Johns Hopkins honors. I was thinking about how this time last year, I’d just received the email from you about Farafina and I wanted to reach out with a quick update. I’ve just accepted an offer for the novel I excerpted as my application and it feels like the workshop was a catalyst for the events that’ve led me here. So, thank you, for the workshop and your words and the Olisa TV series and listening to me babble on about my story at the hotel. I deeply appreciate all of it and you. All my best, Before the novel was published, I spoke of it to some people, to help it get attention. I had not been able to finish reading it. I found the writing beautiful, but the story false-hearted and burdened by bathos. When I spoke of the novel, however, it was the former sentiment that I expressed, never the latter. After I gave the March 2017 interview in which I said that a trans woman is a trans woman, I was told that this person had insulted me on social media, calling me, among other things, a murderer. I was deeply upset, because while I did not really know them personally, I felt they knew what I stood for and that I fully supported the rights of trans people, and that I do not wish anybody dead. Still, I took no action. I ignored the public insult. When this person’s publishers sent me an early copy of their novel, I was surprised to see that my name was included in their cover biography. I had never seen that done in a book before. I didn’t like that I had not been asked for permission to use my name, but most of all I thought – why would a person who thinks I’m a murderer want my name so prominently displayed in their biography? Then I learned that, because my name was in the cover biography, a journalist had called them my “protegee” and they then threw a Twitter tantrum about it, calling it clickbait, viciously disavowing having received any help from me. I knew this person had called me a murderer, I knew they were actively campaigning to “cancel” me and tweeting about how I should no longer be invited to speak at events. But this I felt I could not ignore. I sent an email to my representative: From: Chimamanda Adichie Date: Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 2:06 PM I’m writing about X She attended my Lagos workshop two years ago and I selected hers as one of a few pieces I published after the workshop. Apparently I was referred to as her ‘mentor’ and/or she was referred to as my ‘protege,’ in some articles, which led to her tweeting about it. Her tweets were forwarded to me by friends. In them, she reacted quite viscerally to my being called her ‘mentor’ and her being my ‘protege.’ To be fair, she is not technically my ‘protege,’ and it is perfectly fine that she feels this way, but her ungracious tone and the ugliness of the energy spent on her tweets surprised me. I recently received her book and noticed that my name was included in her official book bio. I was stunned. Surely if she is so strongly averse to my being considered a person who has been significant in her career, (which is my understanding of the loose use of protege/mentor) then it is unseemly to make the choice to include my name in her bio. I found it unusual, as I don’t think I’ve seen it done before in a book bio, but I also now find it unacceptably cynical. It is only reasonable for a person who sees my name as it is used in her bio — ‘her work has been selected and edited by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’ — to assume some sort of mentor/protege relationship. To publicly disavow this with a tone bordering on hostility and at the same time so baldly use my name to sell her book is utterly unacceptable to me. I’d like you to please reach out to her publishers and ask that my name be removed from her official book bio. I refuse to be used in this way. Chimamanda After contacting her publishers, my representative wrote: They have asked whether your preference would be to remove the Acknowledgment to you in the back of the book also, in future reprints. I replied: I don’t think that is my decision to take, and so will not answer either way, although it would be ideal if she herself made the decision to do so. On the subject of how to go about it, I was absolutely determined not to be used by this person, but I was also sensitive to the costs the publisher might incur, as this was not in any way the publisher’s fault. Instead of pulping the already printed copies, I asked that the jackets be stripped and rebound. To my representative I wrote: I’m completely determined that I not be used in this opportunistic and hypocritical way. But I want to make sure to proceed reasonably. I was assured that my name would be removed and I moved on. But from time to time, I would be informed of yet another social media post in which this person had attacked me. This person has created a space in which social media followers have – and this I find unforgiveable – trivialized my parents’ death, claiming that the sudden and devastating loss of my parents within months of each other during this pandemic, was ‘punishment’ for my ‘transphobia.’ This person has asked followers to pick up machetes and attack me. This person began a narrative that I had sabotaged their career, a narrative that has been picked up and repeated by others. The normal response would be to ignore it all, because this person is seeking attention and publicity to benefit themselves. Claiming that I have sabotaged their career is a lie and this person knows that it is a lie. But if something is repeated often enough, in this age in which people do not need proof or verification to run with a story, especially a story that has outrage potential, then it can easily begin to seem true. My addressing this lie will indeed get this person some attention – may they bask in it. Here is the truth: I was very supportive of this writer. I didn’t have to be. I wasn’t asked to be. I supported this writer because I believe we need a diverse range of African stories. Sabotaging a young writer’s career is just not my style; I would get no benefit or satisfaction from it. Asking that my name be removed from your biography is not sabotaging your career. It is about protecting my boundaries of what I consider acceptable in civil human behavior. You publicly call me a murderer AND still feel entitled to benefit from my name? You use my name (without my permission) to sell your book AND then throw an ugly tantrum when someone makes a reference to it? What kind of monstrous entitlement, what kind of perverse self-absorption, what utter lack of self-awareness, what unheeding heartlessness, what frightening immaturity makes a person act this way? Besides, a person who genuinely believes me to be a murderer cannot possibly want my name on their book cover, unless of course that person is a rank opportunist. PART THREE In certain young people today like these two from my writing workshop, I notice what I find increasingly troubling: a cold-blooded grasping, a hunger to take and take and take, but never give; a massive sense of entitlement; an inability to show gratitude; an ease with dishonesty and pretension and selfishness that is couched in the language of self-care; an expectation always to be helped and rewarded no matter whether deserving or not; language that is slick and sleek but with little emotional intelligence; an astonishing level of self-absorption; an unrealistic expectation of puritanism from others; an over-inflated sense of ability, or of talent where there is any at all; an inability to apologize, truly and fully, without justifications; a passionate performance of virtue that is well executed in the public space of Twitter but not in the intimate space of friendship. I find it obscene. There are many social-media-savvy people who are choking on sanctimony and lacking in compassion, who can fluidly pontificate on Twitter about kindness but are unable to actually show kindness. People whose social media lives are case studies in emotional aridity. People for whom friendship, and its expectations of loyalty and compassion and support, no longer matter. People who claim to love literature – the messy stories of our humanity – but are also monomaniacally obsessed with whatever is the prevailing ideological orthodoxy. People who demand that you denounce your friends for flimsy reasons in order to remain a member of the chosen puritan class. People who ask you to ‘educate’ yourself while not having actually read any books themselves, while not being able to intelligently defend their own ideological positions, because by ‘educate,’ they actually mean ‘parrot what I say, flatten all nuance, wish away complexity.’ People who do not recognize that what they call a sophisticated take is really a simplistic mix of abstraction and orthodoxy – sophistication in this case being a showing-off of how au fait they are on the current version of ideological orthodoxy. People who wield the words ‘violence’ and ‘weaponize’ like tarnished pitchforks. People who depend on obfuscation, who have no compassion for anybody genuinely curious or confused. Ask them a question and you are told that the answer is to repeat a mantra. Ask again for clarity and be accused of violence. (How ironic, speaking of violence, that it is one of these two who encouraged Twitter followers to pick up machetes and attack me.) And so we have a generation of young people on social media so terrified of having the wrong opinions that they have robbed themselves of the opportunity to think and to learn and to grow. I have spoken to young people who tell me they are terrified to tweet anything, that they read and re-read their tweets because they fear they will be attacked by their own. The assumption of good faith is dead. What matters is not goodness but the appearance of goodness. We are no longer human beings. We are now angels jostling to out-angel one another. God help us. It is obscene. Source
  12. Daniel Kunke, a 19-year old Nigerian college student has spoken about why he decided to start an LGBT-inclusive clothing brand. In an interview, the teenager who is currently studying Mass communications at Yaba College of Technology in Lagos said that his aim is to ensure that everyone is “equally represented” by making sure that “there’s something available for everyone” Can you tell us about yourself, your brand, how it all started, and what inspired it? I am Daniel Kunke, a 19-year old student of Mass Communication at Yabatech. I am a janitor, brand owner and I write during my bored times. I am the founder of Kunke’s Apparels, a new Lagos-based clothing line focused on making urban wears that can be worn to major occasions especially in Lagos where we have all the altè and urbane hangouts and locations. The idea to start up a fashion brand has always been there, but I never did put any real efforts into making it happen not until recently when I took the idea more seriously. This happened immediately after I stopped working as a personal assistant to my previous employer. One of the things that inspired me to start up a clothing line were majorly the idea of having my own thing and to be independent as against working under the employ of someone else which isn’t really something that I like. Also, the reason why I decided to run an inclusive brand came as result of my interest in socio-discriminatory topics and my strong desire to ensure that all persons regardless of their sexuality or gender identity are equally represented across board. So going forward, what’s the overall plan, and don’t you worry that being an LGBT-inclusive brand will hurt your business considering people’s negative perception about LGBT issues? Honestly, at this point, the plan now is just to sit back and see how everything turns out and how far the brand could go. In fact my aim right now is to ensure that more people get to see what I am doing and are able to patronize me so that I can remain in the business, not necessarily to be the number 1 clothing line in the world, not like that will be a bad thing if it happens though (smiles). And also, I really do not think that being inclusive would have a negative impact on my brand, I mean the brand is not just for a particular set of people it’s for everyone, so just come into the store and pick whatever it is that you like and go, whatever inscription that is on any other clothing isn’t your business. It’s just that simple. When people relate with your brand, how do you want them to feel and how do you want to come across to them? At Kunke Apparels, we want to ensure that people are entirely comfortable with wearing our clothing’s, that’s why we strive to be an inclusive brand so as to ensure that there’s something for everyone when they visit our stores or decide to shop with us. Also we want to prove to other brands, that being inclusive is very possible and very important and that it doesn’t hurt at all if everyone is fully represented and given the opportunity to be themselves. Can you tell us about the progress you have made so far with your brand since you started? I’ll say that I’ve gotten quite some positive responses so far since I started my brand. As an inclusive brand, the support I have gotten has been very encouraging from both members of the LGBT community in Nigeria and heterosexual persons, and every other person in fact. As I mentioned earlier, my brand is all about making sure that there’s something available for everyone.
  13. kimi

    Leading Lady ⭐

    Awwwwh.... I saw this and couldn't help but share. She makes us proud ✊🏾
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