8 stages of coming out

[dreamgal]

The process of coming out and resolving our

sexuality is rarely simple. It is a process and a

journey. There is no timetable either. I have worked

with teens who have reached the final step of

celebration and people in their 60’s who have just

arrived at stage 7. The factors that thwart the

process or cause people to get stuck are family,

geography, culture or religion. These additional

influences, depending on how important they are in

the individual’s life, can hold them back for years,

even decades.

 

1. Unconscious of sexual identity– I don’t know I’m

gay, straight or anything. I’m just a kid.

 

2. Awareness awakens – I’m different to the guys

or girls around me. I’m thinking about and finding

myself attracted to the same sex. Could I be gay?

Research shows that the average age when people

have this awareness is around 13-14 during

puberty. That makes sense because it is of course

a sexual orientation we are talking about. For

some there is a period when they become aware

but they don’t have a word for it. Some have this

awareness even younger – particularly in hindsight

they see how it was always the same gender that

attracted them or got their attention in movies or

that they we fascinated with same gender bodies

instead of opposite etc.

 

***. Denial of the gay self. Many of us have lived in

that space for years. ‘I’m not gay’ we have said to

ourselves and come up with a whole range of

excuses to justify that. I was drunk, I’m bisexual, I

was just horny, I’m imagining things, I was just

experimenting or it’s just a phase. We try and put

the reality of our homosexuality out of our minds

by denying the truth or our reality.

 

4. Rejection of the gay self is the next phase. This

can be like denial but we actively try and rid

ourselves of this ‘terrible curse’ or ‘problem’. This

can involve ‘ex-gay’ programs, counselling, therapy

or all manner of mental tricks to kill the gay self

and its expression. We self-monitor our voice,

gestures, what we wear, who we mix with…anything

that might vaguely identify us with the identity we

are rejecting.

 

5. Suppression of the gay self. When we realise

that denying it or rejecting it hasn’t worked we try

to suppress our homosexuality. I can control it,

monitor it, it’s my secret, no one need know.

 

6. Hatred of the gay self .This thing is too strong

for me, I hate my gayness, and therefore I hate

myself. This phase can be a dark phase which can

include depression or thoughts of suicide or the

development of other mental health issues. The

hatred of self can be intense.

 

7. Acceptance of gay self. This can be both healthy

and unhealthy though. It is wonderful to come out

and accept our homosexuality. But there are also

some people, like I was for years, who have

accepted their sexuality but it is only a reluctant

acceptance. I had accepted the fact that I was gay

but because my ‘straight’ life had been so

wonderful and initially my gay life quite traumatic,

deep down inside I would have preferred to be

‘straight’. In essence though this is tolerance, a

reluctant acceptance; we tolerate the gay self

because we know there is no other option. People

who prefer to be heterosexual can never fully

embrace their true selves and enjoy the sense of

freedom that brings. They exist with a

subconscious belief that life is unfair; they still live

with a sense of shame and some even believe they

will inevitably go to hell because they ‘gave in to

their homosexuality’

 

8. Celebration of the gay self means I actually love

being gay; all negative connotations of guilt and

shame have been removed. Not every gay man or

lesbian has moved to this stage but it is the

beginning of living a life of authenticity and

congruence. The person who celebrates and

embraces their sexuality lives a powerful life that

transforms those around them because no one can

deny what they have………a wholesome and

profound love of self.

 

copied from the book "A Life Of Unlearning"

 

I'm currently at stage 7 but I occasionally go back to stage 4,5 and 6. What stage are you in?

[kimi]

Well done! Nice initiative. Very informative post.

 

My journey has been a tumultuous one having spent too many years in the suppression stage. Way too many years. I would keep trying when each 'suppression' technique failed one after another. In retrospect, i'm glad I spent those many years at that stage because without it, I would always have at the back of my mind that "perhaps it could have worked, if I gave it just one more try'

 

I see myself going to stage 8 but right now, i'm at 7 and loving it.

 

God has been a big part of this journey for me. I feel His leading, support, love and push at every milestone. Because left to me, i'd rather make family happy than revolt.

 

...and Yes, 'God' because that's the only spirit that dwells inside of me *wink*

[Skills]

I would say I've been through all 8 stages and back.But if the 8th stage ultimately means to come out to my family? then am not there yet and would never be,because am never coming out to my family, I know where am coming from...lol.

 

My family comes before me no matter what.I have however accepted this part of me knowing that its what am willing to sacrifice.This doesn't make me sad anymore.

 

One needs to find happiness in what ever situation they find themselves or else,I know I would be miserable for the rest of my life.

 

On a scale of 1-10 ,my attraction towards women is 9/10.I have long passed the stage of hating myself for being bi-sexual because it is innate.I have long accepted being gay isn't a switch u just turn on and off whenever u feel like.It is a feeling u go to the grave with except u are part of those who say " please,teach me ,I want to belong ! hahahahaha....some crazy shit though.

 

Well, I'm glad I have long embraced my situation a long time ago.

 

One thing I'm certain is,I am deep down in my closet when it comes to family,whether I am in Naija or not,location doesn't change who one's family is.And I know I wouldn't change my family for anything.

 

This is my story.

 

So ,all I can say is..." I'm happily stuck"!

[Modd]

I would say I've been through all 8 stages and back.But if the 8th stage ultimately means to come out to my family?

 

....

 

So ,all I can say is..." I'm happily stuck"!

 

Nah, no coming out to family required na. Just a love of self in all your queer glory. :)

 

Coming out will always depend on situations and things/people around you.

 

In my opinion, it is after you reach '8' that you can start thinking of whether to come out or who to come out to. Totally up to you.

And if you decide to bask in the "loving your queer self" for some time before bringing anyone into that by "coming out", then it's all good!

 

Me I'm at 8. Just got there couple of weeks ago. :D

Still basking... ;)

[dequeen]

I think i'm at 7, acceptance. This is who I am and i've accepted it... but I doubt i'll be at 8, celebration, for a long while though.

I used to think I would never come out but right now, I think I might someday....

[dreamgal]

I will never come out to my family, not for a million dollars. Even if I'm caught in the act, I will deny it and claim I was drugged or jazzed.

[Skills]

Nah, no coming out to family required na. Just a love of self in all your queer glory. :)/>

 

Coming out will always depend on situations and things/people around you.

 

In my opinion, it is after you reach '8' that you can start thinking of whether to come out or who to come out to. Totally up to you.

And if you decide to bask in the "loving your queer self" for some time before bringing anyone into that by "coming out", then it's all good!

 

Me I'm at 8. Just got there couple of weeks ago. :D/>

Still basking... ;)/>

 

Lol... I get u Modd,but stage 8 does not comprise only of celebrating ur queer glory..It also speaks "authenticity",but if I cannot come out to my family, it can not be completely celebrated or authentic for me.Therein lies the reason why I hammered more on the family aspect in my initial response.

 

And thus why I'm happily stuck.lol.

well,that's just me though.

[Abystacy]

I guess am at eight... My family knows.

[RedSafire]

This is my point!! How can we actually say we are gay when we can't live free and express our sexuality freely. Most of us here who won't come out to their family will marry a man and go through the torture of marriage just to make family happy. My struggle is acceptance that God made me this way and dealing with the disappointed look on my family's face when they talk of marriage. I mean there is no win win situation here.

[kimi]

Hello Fre... :)

 

Valid points you have raised. But we are who we are. For fear of stigmatisation, shame and prison, a lot are having to settle. This doesn't take away from the fact that we are women who love differently. I wish people would see beyond their myopic mindsets. Sadly, our society Is such that people would throw reason to the trash but rather embrace spiritual rationalisation without first questioning or researching to gain better understanding of events or their precursor.

 

With respect to 'acceptance', I have also come a very long way. It hasn't always been easy but I'm finally here. I pray God would enlighten you and give you the peace to be at ease with your sexuality. Remember, He hasn't condemned you so you must not condemn yourself.

[Althena]

Stage 9

 

Won't shut the f*ck up about the fact that they are gay. Constantly celebrates gay news and triumphs with family, friends or strangers. Constantly mentions being gay without being asked. Asks straight people why they are straight and how they reconcile that with their faith. Asks them how 'straight sex' is because their parts 'don't match'. Makes straight people uncomfortable with their constant reference of gay culture. Breaks expectations by being well adjusted, happy and successful queers comfortable in their queerness and not hiding it or feeling any shame. Constantly talks about how they don't mind straight people but they just don't want it shoved in their face. Flips the table until all straight people are aware of their privilege, or want to apologize for all homophobes...

 

That is where I have been for the past 2 years :wub:/>/> :rolleyes:/>/>

Sometimes I am ashamed of pushing them so far :blink:/>/> but then I shrug and continue cos tit for tat B)/>/>

[dequeen]

Stage 9

 

Won't shut the f*ck up about the fact that they are gay. Constantly celebrates gay news and triumphs with family, friends or strangers. Constantly mentions being gay without being asked. Asks straight people why they are straight and how they reconcile that with their faith. Asks them how 'straight sex' is because their parts 'don't match'. Makes straight people uncomfortable with their constant reference of gay culture. Breaks expectations by being well adjusted, happy and successful queers comfortable in their queerness and not hiding it or feeling any shame. Constantly talks about how they don't mind straight people but they just don't want it shoved in their face. Flips the table until all straight people are aware of their privilege, or want to apologize for all homophobes...

 

That is where I have been for the past 2 years :wub:/>/>/> :rolleyes:/>/>/>

Sometimes I am ashamed of pushing them so far :blink:/>/>/> but then I shrug and continue cos tit for tat B)/>/>/>

Hahahahahaha!!! That's funny and epic! Enjoy your level 9. We hope to join you soon.

[Hawken]

Stage 9

 

Won't shut the f*ck up about the fact that they are gay. Constantly celebrates gay news and triumphs with family, friends or strangers. Constantly mentions being gay without being asked. Asks straight people why they are straight and how they reconcile that with their faith. Asks them how 'straight sex' is because their parts 'don't match'. Makes straight people uncomfortable with their constant reference of gay culture. Breaks expectations by being well adjusted, happy and successful queers comfortable in their queerness and not hiding it or feeling any shame. Constantly talks about how they don't mind straight people but they just don't want it shoved in their face. Flips the table until all straight people are aware of their privilege, or want to apologize for all homophobes...

 

That is where I have been for the past 2 years :wub:/>/>/> :rolleyes:/>/>/>

Sometimes I am ashamed of pushing them so far :blink:/>/>/> but then I shrug and continue cos tit for tat B)/>/>/>

 

LMAO! Love it! Please continue!