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Showing results for tags 'cheating'.
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So why is it that people cheat ?, how can you make sure that you aren’t dating or with a cheater, and how do you deal with your own cheating? There are three main reasons why people cheat: * They are in a relationship with someone who cannot fulfill a specific sexual desire (gender, activities, etc.) * They aren’t actually monogamous. * It is a coping mechanism they use to deal with difficulties in a relationship, or to end a relationship. You may meet a woman who is, for instance, married to a man and isn’t willing to disclose that, but careful assessment will raise red flags (she never invites you to her home, she inconsistently contacts you, she’s choosing places to meet far from her home, etc.) These are red flags you should not ignore. As to the second reason, the truth is, many (most?) human beings are not inherently monogamous. This may be more true for men than women (and that may be socialized, rather than inherent.) Our closest primate relatives, Bonobo Chimpanzees, are pansexual and polyamorous. In fact, monogamy is frequent in some animals (mostly birds,) but relatively rare in primates, our own order of mammals. Our culture assumes monogamy, and looks down quite strongly on polyamory, so it might be difficult for someone to really come around to understanding that they aren’t actually the monogamous type. The third reason is probably the most common. Some people, when faced either with difficulties, conflicts and tension in a relationship, or with a dearth of physical intimacy, turn to having affairs when this happens. Some people do this serially (in other words, they do it in every relationship, and/or many times in a relationship,) and for some people, this is their way of ending relationships. So how do you approach this? First, be really clear and honest with yourself and people you might date, or your partner, about your own orientation toward monogamy. And make a clear agreement with your partner about it. Some couples want to make clear agreements to be monogamous. Some couples are fully polyamorous, and some are “monogamish” – open to other arrangements if or when they arise. Get in touch with your own feelings about jealousy, and also notice if you tend to project onto your girlfriend or partner. When dating, if someone confides in you that they have had affairs in previous relationships, how they speak of it will tell you if it is a red, yellow, or green flag. If they say they have learned from it, understand what was underneath it, and they have worked through it, then it’s not so red anymore. But if they act as if it isn’t important to talk about, or isn’t a big deal, or they feel bad about it but haven’t delved into why it happened, then it’s still a red flag. If you are someone who has cheated, get in touch with why you cheated. Understand that this is in your hands – you can make choices about it. Perhaps the choice is to find someone with whom you can be polyamorous. Or perhaps it’s learning how to cope with difficulties in relationships without using cheating as a mechanism to cope or end the relationship. Learning key relationship skills can make a big difference in how you can approach conflict or difficulties in a relationship. Cheating is not necessary. You can have a happy, fulfilling relationship without significant conflict or tension, with the physical and emotional intimacy you want, and be completely honest with each other about your desires.
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If you knew your close friend’s significant other was cheating on her, would you tell her? If yes, how would you tell her? Also, would your approach be different if they were married?
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I keep hearing lesbians say they feel safe from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) because they are dating another lesbian. I thought I was safe until I found out that I was not. I got herpes (HSV2) from another lesbian. I was her first female lover. I’m in my 50s now and have been out for a long time. When I came out as a lesbian, I went through hell with my family, friends and the outside world. It’s still a fight today to be free. Having herpes is another battle. I just refuse to live in shame anymore. I Knew Something Was Wrong We had been together for a while when I noticed some bumps on her butt. When I asked her about them, she lied and said it was because she was on her period. I believe I heard the voice of God tell me that something was wrong, but I decided not to worry about it. We had been together for two years before I finally found out the truth. I found the box of Valtrex (a herpes medication) in the trash. I asked her about it over the phone because I was afraid of what I was going to do to her if we spoke face to face. Eventually, I started getting breakouts. When I got my herpes diagnosis, she went with me to the doctor. I was so upset that I felt like I was going to kill her. Luckily, her son was with us when we got the results and that kept me from doing something I would regret. We ended up staying together for eight years. Even so, she repeatedly cheated on me with other women. She didn’t use protection or tell the other women of her diagnosis. I tried to stop her by telling them, but it didn’t change her behavior. I Feel Dirty and Ashamed Why did I stay? I think I was suicidal in some ways. I felt like my life didn’t matter now since I had this disease. Plus, I figured we both already had herpes it wasn’t like there was a risk of me re-contracting the disease. I heard different things from different doctors. The one thing they agreed on is that there is no cure for herpes. Even though herpes is not AIDS or HIV, I still sometimes feel dirty and ashamed. When I get breakouts, it’s pretty much everywhere, including my genitals. It’s physically painful. It also emotionally hurts to be rejected by other women when I tell them, but I understand why they don’t want to date me. Today the woman who gave me the disease is married. She didn’t tell her wife until after they got married and I threatened her. I do believe she understands the harm she has caused. It took a while but I do forgive her. I’m just having a hard time forgiving myself for not believing what God and my body said to me. I chose to listen to her excuses. I Don’t Believe in Waiting I have only been with one other person since her. We met in 2013. I told that woman straight out the gate. When I tell most people, I know I’ll never hear from them again. I don’t believe in waiting 90 days to tell somebody. Why waste my time or theirs? I thought it was strange this woman was okay with me having herpes. When we met up the next day, I asked her why she was okay. That’s when she confessed that she had herpes too. Even after I told her first, she was still scared to tell me. That is how much shame exists around this disease. I was with her for two years and we are friends today. Dating someone else with herpes doesn’t solve the problem–at least not for me. I’m extremely sensitive and if I am with someone with herpes, it triggers a breakout. Stop the Lies There is a lot of misinformation about sexually transmitted infections going around in the black lesbian community. We feel safe because we wrongly believe that only men who sleep with men and women who sleep with down low men can get sexually transmitted diseases. There are too many people who are afraid, cowards really, who don’t want to know. They don’t go get check ups and so they don’t know their own status. We are so afraid to be honest about this, but not me. I’m going to tell the truth. Having herpes has affected me on a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual level. I’m so deeply hurt that this happened to me. Your Life Matters! I worry about the next generation! We need to talk about this. We need to be honest. I think there are too many people who just want to have the gay experience without the responsibility of being safe. So ladies, ask for recent medical paperwork. Ask when was the last time they got tested. Ask to the go to the doctor and get tested together. Don’t be afraid. Your life matters. Source
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