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e h
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Just me journalling my journey to baby's arrival.
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5th April 2013 It has not been an easy week at work. I have been very mad at myself. I have played the 1st of April over and over in my head with different approaches and different possible outcomes. I am exhausted. I’ve felt listless every morning since then. Debriefing every day after work with Doc is monotonous. I noticed she reverted to not wearing lipstick. Maybe she trashed it. Good for me. it is Friday and I have decided the mourning ends today. I guess Doc made similar decision; when I got to work she called me to her office. “I should not judge you for your sexual preferences,” she said the moment I closed the door behind me. I let her continue. “I miss us being friends and the healthy diet you placed me on. I know you are grown up enough to know that every relationship must not be sexual. I am sorry for the outburst.” She paused, obviously for a reaction. I let her continue. “You know this is awkward for me right? Please say something.” “Sandy peach lipstick looks good on you.” I could not think of anything better to say. I was pleased. “I thought you trashed it.” She gave a hearty laughter. "How on earth?” When I left her office, I decided I was going to be respect her wishes. I am in love no doubt. I always tell myself the truth. I am in love with my HOD but openly declaring my love for her is out of it. When you love someone, you are happy that they are happy even if you aren’t the source of their happiness. 19th April 2013 It has been two weeks I wrote last. I and my HOD are back to normal. I have tried to avoid any kind of stare or gaze that would make her feel uncomfortable. I am gifted at surreptitious gazes. She is oblivious of all my stares. I have also avoided paying her any form of compliments. I did not want to be misunderstood. Today she had on a patterned marron red gown. It accentuated all her curves. I wanted to say something but didn’t. “This is my first time putting this gown on. I don’t think anything red looks good on me.” I paused sorting some files in her cabinet and looked her over, “red is flattering on you. Maybe you will get bolder with time and try on pepper red.” I have noticed she calls me into her office these days at any slightest excuse. Today it was to get out the file we worked on yesterday. There is a secretary for that, but I have decided to not react. “Does it match my lipstick? Lilac. I wanted something as quiet as the dress.” I paused. Is it me or is she desperately fishing for compliments? “You really are a vision Doc. Cool colors are all your lips want no matter what you wear. Your innocent look doesn’t call for vampie lips.” “Vampie as in vampire? You mean red and black lipsticks, right?” “Yes Doc.” I try not to have sexual fantasies about her anymore. I am just going to imagine kissing her lips tonight until I fall asleep tonight. Just that, nothing further.
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