Vina's Corner (Inside my head)

[VINA]

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[VINA]

Inside my Head!!!

vina's tips to Raising smart, good kids.

 

so this are all tips i picked up from here and there and i feel they could help raise better kids.

i am putting this here with the hope of referring back to it once my mommy journey starts. Long live NL.

1) Be happy.

generally, kids pick up our mannerism and our moods can affect them. Even during pregnancy, our moods can affect the kind of baby we give birth to. A sad woman will often give birth to an always crying baby. So be happy around your kids as much as you can.

2) Expose them to books.

good books tho. Books that teach the kind of morals you would want your kids to have. A motivational speaker once said he paid his son to read and by 10years the boy had read about 1k books. I am adopting this model. Books broadens their knowledge, their imagination, and ultimately their vocabulary. 

3) Never under estimate the power of music.

it is a known fact that kids that can play at least one musical instrument are way more intelligent. So spend that money, let them learn to play the violin, guitar, piano etc. it helps their brains and creativity.

4) pets!!! 

Yes pets. This would teach them responsibility, empathy, compassion and independence. Make sure that you don't help them in taking care of the pet, you could just provide.

5) games_board games, puzzles, jigsaws, chess, monopoly , scrabble etc.

kids must play, but can we not just let them run around all the time?? These games would go a long way in teaching them about the real world. They learn strategy, learn about losing and winning, it helps in their vocabulary and their mathematics too. Their i.q also improves.

6) languages

Kids that know more than one languages tend to be more intelligent.   So let them take one wazobia language, add a little french or spanish. 

7) God!!

The God consciousness in kids could go a long way. Learning about the bible and those characters that did exploits would definitely build morals and bravery in the kids. All them david, joshua, samson, etc

others include

enough sleep,

planning the day for your kids like a schedule

buying them piggy banks to encourage the saving habits

being a good role model

encouraging them to dance

 

using positive and negative reinforcements.

paying them in bits when they do house chores, encouraging them to save it and then they could use it to buy what they need. Its not everytime i will just buy anything the kids ask for. No matter how rich i am.

teaching them respect. How to say their thanks, please, e.t.c

pg rating their tv and rationing the tv time.

****phew, too numerous to mention. But dear vina, do well to come back here in the nearest future. Thanks NL for keeping this for me. 

[VINA]

Inside my head**

 

What a treacherous and ungrateful body i have.

i am in control of my body, or i ought to be at least.

How dare it dictate for me what it wants, what it likes or what turns it on?

i am in charge here or so i think.

so fvck being gay, i am going to trick this body, yes, i am going to get a man to fvck me like a girl would.  Hahaha, lets see how you can be dry when all he does is suck and finger me. 

 

I am in control and i will prove it. I will cum and it would be from a man. I should be fluid, i should be able to have the best from both worlds. I hate restrictions, why then should i label myself?? Fvck this body!!

 

**two days later***

A man is a man. I cannot change a man, a man is what he is. He cannot fvck me like a girl would, hes so strong and hard.

Lawd!!! Why is his kiss so forceful? Does he want to remove some of my teeth? Even a destist wouldnt...

 

I thought mouths were supposed to be soft and wet. Wait! Is he chewing my nipples? This shit hurts!!!

okay maybe he would be better with his lips on my p**sy so i direct him downwards. He gets the gist and he spreads me and gets to work.

 

wtf!! I am holding my breath, waiting for him to find my clit but he obviously doesnt know where it is.  Why is he sucking my mons?? 

 

Then i feel his fingers at my entrance. Finally! Something i am familiar with. Something universal, something that doesnt have a gender. Fingers are fingers, my body really wouldnt know the difference but when he starts....

 

there is a problem, why is it so hard and forceful?? No ryhthm , no pattern,  nothing just nonsense. Not even a drop of wetness. I am as dry as dust!

i am a lesbian!! I cant take this torture!!  Even the hardest of girls isnt this hard. I push him off me and dress up. I am out in  a minute and i mentally record the scores.

"1-0" nice one body. This round goes to you.

#shout out to all the fluid people in the world. Yall are the real mvps.

 

[VINA]

TO HIS COY MISTRESS

HAD we but world enough, and time, This coyness Lady were no crime. We would sit down and think which way To walk, and pass our long love’s day. Thou by the Indian Ganges’ side Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide Of Humber would complain. I would Love you ten years before the flood, And you should, if you please, refuse Till the conversion of the Jews. My vegetable love should grow Vaster than empires and more slow; An hundred years should go to praise Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze; Two hundred to adore each breast, But thirty thousand to the rest; An age at least to every part, And the last age should show your heart. For, lady, you deserve this state, Nor would I love at lower rate.

But at my back I always hear Times winged chariot hurrying near; And yonder all before us lie Deserts of vast eternity. Thy beauty shall no more be found; Nor, in thy marble vault shall sound My echoing song; then worms shall try That long preserved virginity, And your quaint honor turn to dust, And into ashes all my lust: The grave’s a fine and private place, But none, I think, do there embrace. Now therefore while the youthful hue Sits on thy skin like morning dew, And while thy willing soul transpires At every pore with instant fires, Now let us sport us while we may, And now, like amorous birds of prey, Rather at once our time devour Than languish in his slow-chapped power. Let us roll all our strength and all Our sweetness up into one ball, And tear our pleasures with rough strife Thorough the iron gates of life: Thus, though we cannot make our sun Stand still, yet we will make him run

[VINA]

Poems that made my poetry class.

To his coy mistress

The road not taken

Now just remembering this poem, I remember how weird we always acted whenever the words breast, kiss, or bum came up in stories. The boys would giggle and we the girls would blush and act all goofy. Teenagers!!!!

I was such a good literature student. I was an excellent reader and I read poetry excellently. No wonder Mrs big eyes always called me up to read.

Ps! Stop being so coy and hiding that P, we ain't got no time.

[VINA]

Inside my head right now.

 

It is safer for me to have a fictional, imaginary WIFE. Lol

I love the fact that she is real in my head but not really here in reality to  hold me back from a lot of things i want to do.

i like my space even though i know that i would have to pretty much share it with wifey and the kids but for now i need my space.

i need the freedom that comes from being single but at the same time i need someone to hold me back from my spontaneity. So i created a Wife for myself, and i tell her everything. Sometimes i write, sometimes i just talk, other times i send her a voice note. I am such a weird goof ball but honestly it keeps me sane.

I have three people now asking me to think about marrying them and i am like never!!! Then i go ahead and marry an idea!! I tire for myself.

truth is, the love is always one sided, people always love me morethan i love them and it gets annoying. For once i want to be the  weak, lovey dovey one or even better, let it be equal.

my imagination is a crazy place. No scratch that, my wife lives there for now so basically she would clean that place out.

Aii laters inside Vina's crazy head. See you when i get back.

[VINA]

I like how we meet, chat up for long, meet up, have senseless sessions of sex and move on like nothing happened. I also like how we go back to being goofy and playful and chatty. No expectations, no worries!!!

[VINA]

Inside my head right now* 

the naughty version of the name Rain.

Oh yes rain!! Harder rain!! Make this p**sy rain. Ahhh rain, rain I'm about to rain... Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
abeg i play too much. Lmao. 

Hopefully rain wouldn't ever see this. 

#flys fence..

[VINA]

Inside my Head right now*

The Diverse nature of God and ultimately MAN....

Lots of people argue that there is too much division in Christendom. One church believes in make up, others don't even use attachments, some drink wine, others don't, some allow female preachers and others vow that the place of a woman is a place of learning and not teaching and etc.

 

Well from my own point of view, I think God is Diverse and so is man.

There are some people that can never wrap their heads around the concept of women wearing jewellery or make up. This is fine, because no matter what, we all have different ideologies in life and these are the little things that just appeal to our senses and really does not remove from God.

 

Different perspective, upbringing, ideologies, personalities is what makes us liberal, Conservative or radical in politics and in other aspects.

Ultimately we serve God in a way that appeals to our personalities, it doesn't mean that anybody is wrong. It's just sad and typical for the black man to look down their noses on others that don't hold the same view.

 

For instance, some people generally like an organised life, they like routine and would hate for anything to just like happen, they believe in arrangements and sermons. It is natural for these set of people to gravitate towards Catholic Church and Anglican and the rest. Simple organised life.

 

Others like myself like my freedom, I love to be radical. Yeah, like "make some noise for God, woooooow, go crazy, yes worship him, jump, raise the roof, pick a chair and raise it, yes cry, shout."

Hahahahha. I swear so many energy, and it suits my lifestyle to attend a church that caters to me. I would yawn and die of boredom if I ever attended any of the mother Churches, doesn't mean that they are wrong.

 

Overall, there are some basic Christian tenets that any church should have like, Jesus, love, charity, faith, worship etc and as long as a church is not extreme, or ritualistic or using magic, then it's totally fine to attend based on your personality, the ultimate is to believe in Jesus, accept Him and ultimately God.

 

My point is, God is Diverse, we cannot ever finish understanding Him, so it's logical that He deposits a little bit of his characters in different pastors and it is left for us to worship Him in a way that best suits our distinct personalities. Infact, give ten people a passage to read, they definitely will never understand it in the same way, doesn't mean any of them is wrong.  Same as with the Bible. I have had someone explain John 3:16 to me from his own perspective and my mind was just poof, blown.

 

Any ways, what do I know?

#sighs. Well...

 

 

[VINA]

I watched her watching me as we stood under the mango tree in the middle of the forest.

I was shaking like a leaf, angry to the bone.

"Tolu if you cross this line, then i will know that you never loved me"

i said drawing a line on the ground with my leg. She crossed the line, with her arms folded under her big breasts.

what!!! 

The tears fell freely now and i had no wish to control it.

"Tolu, if...you.." sniffs

"walk away from me, right now, then its over and i would believe that all we had was a lie"

she looked me long in the eye, our emotions flying around like wasps.

In horror i realized her decision and the pain seared my heart like a hot sword piercing my chest.

she turned around and walked away, never looking back. I screamed and bawled over in pain.

Crying like i had lost my soul, in a way, she was my soul.

i was too lost in my pain to realize that someone was at my back. It dawned on me when she hugged me from behind and kissed my temple softly.

" How could you ever think that i would leave without my oxygen tank? You want me to die?"

i smiled weakly through my pain. God!! I hated her. I turned around to face her but ........ Blank....... blank........ oh! My! God!!!!....... blank..... 

[VINA]

Inside my head right now!

I want to cry, I should cry, why cant i cry?

so i am self centered, manipulative, emotional blackmailing person.

I break up at the slightest provocation without taking the feelings of others into consideration. See how i make my partners cry!!!

why couldnt. I ever date hard women? Why must they love me more than i .....

this roller coster of emotions is why relationships hold no appeal to  me. God!!!! I love my girlfriend!

i don't know, f***k it i am so tired!!

i always could write my emotions better and i just want to say, i am sorry.

for all the words i hurled at you, they were harsh and unnecessary. Also for every single tear you spilled, i am sorry and i will try twice as hard to make you happy.

maybe finally i can learn to not want to run away once there is a problem. I will stay and fight for you, for us.

[VINA]

What does it feel like to date someone more experienced, advanced,vast, and ultimately more intelligent than you are?

To sit at her feet and drink from her knowledge? Every time she opens her mouth, wisdom pours out.

to be so different, controversial, having a totally different view from everyone else but with enough proof to make you a convert. She has got to be weird, with weird taste in wine, food, music, books. Lol.

Everytime you spend with this person will have your i.q increasing a notch. She starts to reflect on you. Someone that has an opinion on everything and takes time to study....

What does it feel like??

Soon! I am upping my ante.

 

[VINA]

Inside my head right now**

An avalanche of emotions swirling round my skull like red wine in a cup.

If I say I love you, doesn't it mean that you occupy my every thoughts? How could you say you loved someone if you do not think about them all the time? Not just think but make decisions with them in mind even in their absence.

The little things we do in love, like how I see a nice dress and all I can think about is how it would look good on you. 

How I buy two shirts that look the same so we can both rock it the same time.

How I hear a song and it reminds me of you and the froggy way you sing to it.

Isn't love supposed to be simple and pure? Where is this little bit of hate coming from?

The hate! This sick emotion rearing up its head every now and then, like a seven headed serpent that refuses to die because you haven't fully decapitated it.

Why are you in her house? Why is she in your pictures, why do I hear her voice in the background when I call? Am I really not enough? What else do you want from me?

I have loved you harder than I have any one else, it's not much but it's my best. 

You make me so happy and the courage you instill in me would help me slay my serpents some day....

[VINA]

Inside my Head right now*

 

Am I The Only Nigerian That Is Scared Of the Idea Of living abroad?

 

Ha!! This Vina is weird i tell you, very weird. Sometimes she confuses me. Wtf! Why am i referring to myself in third person??? Lool.

oya i am weird. While my mates are daring the odds and selling properties, dashing through the sahara deserts, traipsing on a boat round the atlantic ocean in search of green pastures, here i am totally comfortable in this place that some have refered to as a zoo, a hell hole, and God bless Trump, he even called it a shit hole. Na wa o.

Hmmm!! My girlfriend laughed and scoffed when i told her i couldnt wrap my ahead around the concept of abroad. After scoffing she could hardly believe it. She gave me a hundred and one points why life abroad was easier and better. I believed her, i knew it was but I love Nigeria!!

"so we would have a long distance marriage?" She asked incredulously.

"i dont think there should be a marriage if you are not willing to move to Nigeria and i am not willing to move over"

silence! Silence!

"are you saying we could break up because of this?"

in typical Vina fashion i went,

"i didnt say it, its just the logical thing to do."

"you are just being selfish Vee and you know it. What do you have astake in Nigeria apart from your family. Oh please! So i should leave my job that pays a thousand grand after tax and move to what? I love you and i dont mind us getting married, i can visit once in a few months."

" Is that even marriage? I cant be in a long distance relationship and then graduate with a first class to long distance marriage mbok. Whom would the kids be with? Never"

silence again.

This was a hard conversation to have and i started to evaluate myself.

 

were all my fears only in my head. What was special about Nigeria for me. I am surprised i even had to think that, i was born in Nigeria, this is my home, i could never get stranded here and abroad is full of so much uncertainties. What about culture shock, no forget culture shock, how about the fact that i have never imagined myself staying permanently abroad, how about all the dreams i hope to create and make come to pass in Nigeria? what about racism? What about the suspicious stares, and assumptions i would have to correct whenever i said i was Nigerian?

what about bills, bills and more bills. Taxes, taxes and more taxes.

what about being stuck there and missing my own fathers burial. What about extreme hunger?

"Vina! Are you there?"

"yeah, you know what babe, lets leave this for now. We cross the bridge when we get there, and i might just change my mind in the future."

of course i would change my mind or would i? Sighs!!! Talk about meeting the right person in another continent.......

[VINA]

Inside my head right now!!!

the best sex i ever had.

 

 

So it is that i met her, just my type, everything i liked in a woman and then some.  I mean she even brought me breakfast in bed and I was so ecstatic about the idea of sex right until it happened. Wtf!!!

The little amount of wetness i had managed to gather dried up under a tongue that was confused on what to do, i mean its a clit not shaki or pomo? And just because i am not a virgin doesnt give you the effrontery to pummel my poor p**sy like that, my p**sy never hurt anyone and it definitely isnt the cause of your problems so take it easy chale.

"see stop. Annie i am not feeling what you are doing!"

"what do you mean?" she asked sitting up.

" I mean that you are hurting me and i cannot take it anymore. After all the mouth you were making online, this is what i get? I mean i shaved this coochie for you."

i was beyond disappointed, i thought this was really going to be a good lay and now its just proving to be lousy af.

"vina lie back down let me try using just my tongue, i want to please you. Please, this last chance."

I am such an idiot, and a firm believer in second chances  and maybe i was a little sorry for being too vocal with my disappointment. Well i laid back down and expected the worst but what i get is the complete opposites.

Annie started to eat, nay, she attacked my p**sy in a delicious way that immediately made me moan in french. ( i do not speak french)

wawu. Talk about going from zero to hero, from grass to grace, annie was bringing out all the big guns and i already felt like she had won the battle. Where was she hiding this degree in cuninglingus before??

chai!! Some people are wicked!! Is it because of the small complain i complained that now make you want to kill me? This girl ate me, she put her tongue so deep into me that i could taste her saliva in my own mouth. Annie ate and ate and ate and ate till i started to beg for forgiveness of all my wrongs.

annie lifted my waist and pressed that p**sy to her mouth and started to drink. At a point i started to cry.

"annie please, please, i am sorry."

The reasons why i was begging? My people i dont know, it just came naturally but Annie lacks the fear of God and my pleas fell on deaf ears as this girl sucked my soul from me.

"Annie yeeeeeessssss, please nooooo, stoooppp, eh dont stooooppp. Oh shiiit, im cuming again."

My legs started to shake as i felt like i had given my last cum in life to Annie but hanty had the believe that i had more cums to give.

" Annie you are right, you are right, ahhhh, oh f***k!!!"

by the time Annie was done with me, my clit was red from over use and i just stayed there staring at her like she was the devil. I couldnt move a muscle and when she made to kiss me, i wanted to slap her silly but well, i still couldnt move......

[VINA]

Inside my head right now***

I am angry, sad and disappointed.

I always thought that Naija Lez was free for all the queers and bent and curious girls in Nigeria. 

 

I wanted to share my engagement pictures here, I dreamt of the day I would create a mummy's thread here and share my journey in words. But alas, like every journey that has ever started, the end must come.

I bow out of this place with my head high, I do not work well with threats, neither do I like to be confined, I am a free spirit.

I learnt a lot from on here, and I had fun while it lasted. I will not just leave like others, who disappear into thin air. No I owe it to the people who genuinely enjoy reading my crap, to know that this is the last thing I type here.

Trust me, I am going to be in your faces, a lot. Hahhahaha. 

Shout out to all the incredible women I met on this site and to the ones who taught me a lesson, trust me I learnt it well. 

Shout out to those that made me laugh so hard. I won't forget ever. 

So when my monicker ceases to exist, remember that I was here.

 

[VINA]

Okay! I am back! 

 

Let me quickly say something, I detest stubborn people. People that you talk with, reason with, plead with but refuse to change their minds once it's made up. God I detest that! 

We are all humans and anyone should be able to change their minds if overwhelming reasons are placed before you. I hate rigidity and people that are over disciplined, we are not robots and as such we should be able to change.

 

I am back because I am not stubborn. I listened to everyone who reached out to me one way or another and when tempers cooled, I realized that well, they are all right.

I shouldn't leave because of someone who didn't bring me here in the first place.

So I can't mention everyone who reached out to me(I swear it was overwhelming), listened to me and tried to understand me but I appreciate all the efforts. I know I can come off as a drama queen and all that but it's just how I am. Thanks for listening, thanks for bearing with me and talking to me.

I will try to go back to how it was before all these happened and even though my spirits are down, the zeal is lost and I am totally indifferent now, I will try to go back to how it used to be.

PS: I sent admin a message to close this account before I left and I reckon she hasn't seen it. If she does see it and do what I asked then it's no longer my fault o. (Ehen!) I tried!

Once again, thank you!

 

               Vina!

 

[ChazBee]

4 minutes ago, Blakky said:

Okay! I am back! 

 

Let me quickly say something, I detest stubborn people. People that you talk with, reason with, plead with but refuse to change their minds once it's made up. God I detest that! 

We are all humans and anyone should be able to change their minds if overwhelming reasons are placed before you. I hate rigidity and people that are over disciplined, we are not robots and as such we should be able to change.

 

I am back because I am not stubborn. I listened to everyone who reached out to me one way or another and when tempers cooled, I realized that well, they are all right.

I shouldn't leave because of someone who didn't bring me here in the first place.

So I can't mention everyone who reached out to me(I swear it was overwhelming), listened to me and tried to understand me but I appreciate all the efforts. I know I can come off as a drama queen and all that but it's just how I am. Thanks for listening, thanks for bearing with me and talking to me.

I will try to go back to how it was before all these happened and even though my spirits are down, the zeal is lost and I am totally indifferent now, I will try to go back to how it used to be.

PS: I sent admin a message to close this account before I left and I reckon she hasn't seen it. If she does see it and do what I asked then it's no longer my fault o. (Ehen!) I tried!

Once again, thank you!

 

               Vina!

 

Yaayyy!!!  My @vina is back!!! I know we aren't supposed to comment here but I can't help myself. My favorite girl on NL is back on NL republic. I missed you girl. #kisses #

[VINA]

Inside my head***

*Vina is a lover not a fighter*

 

Okay the heading is pretty much a lie. I can pick fights for Africa!! Okay maybe not fights but I am really troublesome. Maybe it's the last born in me or something. Contrary to what people think, I do not like attention but it somehow always finds me.

 

The only people that suffer from my troublesome sides are the people that love me, like my girlfriends. I once met an older woman who said "vina I like trouble, don't be afraid, my old heart can take it, drama is fun." I snickered and didn't say anything.

 

When I started ehn, lmao, her high blood pressure nearly rose. She was like "vina tone it down o, ah, don't kill me." Well, she did know how to handle my troubles and I hand it to her.

The point of all this blabbing is that, I am not a violent person. I do not encourage trolling and I can dig up many a post where I had called the admins to curtail the flaring tempers. I like the aura around NL and I have always wanted to keep it like that and there is no excuse for me behaving the way I did.

Let's just blame it on buhari, God knows the economy is hard and that day the garri I soaked had refused to rise and someone had gone to my stash of kuli kuli to fap a few, I was beyond angry.

I do not like confrontation and for Vina to do what she did that day, it meant that I was full, there had been lots of straws on the Camel's back and it took just that one to break it.

Vina is not violent, she has respect, and many a time I am tempted to call a lot of people here aunty, I swear, it's how I was raised. I would never diss anyone and that one incident shouldn't be used to judge me. Everyone breaks, I broke.

I am not a violent person, I am troublesome but I would never insult anyone. I guess I'm just saying this to maybe those my crazy friends who were like "vina I don dey fear you o, how I take dey sure say if I f***k up, you no go curse my life?"

I swear I wouldn't, don't see me differently, I would never hurt anyone I call a friend or acquaintance, I don't even have enough emotions to do that.

The point is, let's all move past the drama and please don't look at me differently. I am still the most stupid and crazy, goofy girl you would meet who never takes anything to heart.

ThanCHU.

#drops mic.

[VINA]

11 minutes ago, ChazBee said:

Yaayyy!!!  My @vina is back!!! I know we aren't supposed to comment here but I can't help myself. My favorite girl on NL is back on NL republic. I missed you girl. #kisses #

Rule breaker!!!! Bring your self to the oza room for your punishment....  #flys fence into the oza room.

 

On a serious note, thanks Chaz! You are sweet and this is not me flirting.. 

[ChazBee]

13 hours ago, Blakky said:

Rule breaker!!!! Bring your self to the oza room for your punishment....  #flys fence into the oza room.

 

On a serious note, thanks Chaz! You are sweet and this is not me flirting.. 

You can flirt abeg, do whatever you wanna as long as you stay with me on NL. Oya let's take it to za oza room. 

#wink #

[VINA]

Inside my head*

Love.

 

"Just tell me Vina,I need to know the truth, I can handle it, I won't be mad, DO YOU LOVE ME?"

My head starts to ring. This f***king conversation again, all these years,this question trails me from one person to another. Everyone, wanting to know how I felt, and every f***king time the truth had hurt them.  I really didn't feel like doing this today.

 

"Baby don't start, let's not have this conversation, drop it."

 

"Oh hell no! We are having it now, I need to know if you are in this as much as I am and we are having this damn conversation. Do you love me, yes or no?"

 

Shit!

 

"I am not capable of love, I am not good with emotions and f***k love, I don't like it. My eyes are open, I see you for who you are and I want to be with you, I care about you."

 

"Vina you are a selfish, self absorbed wicked person that hides behind the emotionless mantra to hurt people. Is that what you f***king tell yourself? That you are not capable of love? All the times you told me you loved me...."

 

"I do love you, I am not just in love with you."

"Now you are confusing yourself, and it's getting irritating, you have built a wall around yourself, wanting love and yet when given, you do not know what to do with it. You hurt the people that love you, chase them away, hurt them just so they can leave you alone because you are too chicken to face your fears. We all had a terrible childhood..."

 

"Don't talk about my childhood, no one understands, no one went through what I went through, nobody wanted me, they told me that my father didn't want me. Ever had your siblings laugh and call you unwanted? Or your own mother tell you that she should have aborted you? My whole life was built around people who didn't love me, want me, I grew up knowing this and all of a sudden there is you, her, him telling me you loved me,  I'm just supposed to throw away how I grew up and accept that anyone really wanted me?"

She was crying by now and it broke my heart.

"Don't say that vina, you are beautiful, you are funny, you are creative and sexy as hell, I want you, so many people want you, I love you."

 

"I know, but the doubt always wins. You know how I managed to deal with all the rejection, all the pain? I turned my emotions off, it used to hurt, make me cry when they told me how I wouldn't have been born had my elder brother before me lived but he had died and here I was, the mistake that never should have happened. I just turned it off, turned it all off, I stopped feeling and now I don't know how to turn it back on. I don't."

I said crumpling on the ground in a heap. I started to cry because I wanted a family, how was I to have one if I couldn't believe that this beautiful woman loved me. She came to me and held me close.

"It's your daddy's loss, if he didn't want you. You survived, you are precious and you have to stop pushing me away, let me show you how much I want you, you have to turn it on the same way you turned it off. You and I both know that you have refused all these while to turn it on because you are scared and you are protecting yourself. Trust me, you don't need this defense mechanism with me."

 

"How am I sure you won't leave me?" I said cleaning my eyes.

"Because I was there, I am here and I don't know what tomorrow may bring but I am damn sure that I will be there. Together, you and I forever. I love you, it would never change."

 

****

Years later, I am alone again, She was gone. She'd left me, moved on with someone new, someone with bigger tits and I am not mad, not angry because through it all, she had thought me to LIVE!

[VINA]

Inside my head right now*

There I stayed, with my stomach bulging,

My breasts leaking, for a baby that wasn't there anymore,

There I stayed with my eyes bleak, hoping that this was all a terrible, cruel prank that would end with my husband wheeling in my baby with a loud "ta da"

There I stayed, too weak to cry, too exhausted to howl, too tired to say a word. There I was, fresh from a seven hour labour that yielded no fruits, a labour that brought forth dead fruits.

I tried to cough and the tiny line between my perineum and vagina threatened to split open and the threads let loose, all these pain for a baby that wasn't here.

"Another one will come, you will try again. Next time will be double." Every f***king person saying the same damned thing and I wished they could all shut their traps. No one could replace him, he had a name, a pattern, a DNA that no other baby would have. He listened when I talked, he was my friend and he had a name.

Yet again I lost, the battle of nine months and I lost. 

The pain I felt Everytime who knew I was pregnant asked about my baby knew no bounds, it was innocent but nonetheless painful.

Here I was bleeding into my pad for a baby that wasn't here.

Here I was tracing the stretch marks I had acquired, a lined reminder of the one that I should be holding but somehow wasn't here.

All of these have changed my Outlook on life. Now each time I see a pregnant woman, to God I offer up a prayer and a supplication on her behalf. "Dear God, don't let her go through what I did."

 

[VINA]

Inside my head right now*

Now I wish I could write a poem like DBS.

You know, mesmerize you with words and make you blush silly, make you feel half as good as you make me feel when you call me the best thing that ever happened to you.

They always say that your girlfriend is meant to annoy you and I'm probably the A in annoying but still you're here.

The words you say, the way you laugh and how you plan your future with me in it, it's the sweetest thing that's ever happened to me.

How you want me, fight for me and refuse to let me go, it makes me want to stay and fight for this.

O I don't care about your short short legs, or your big egg head, I love you just the way you are and I am complete in your love. 

I know you are scared that when you ask I won't say yes, but you know what I'll really do? I'll scream and cry and then hold your head down and kiss you till your lips turn red because it's not about the 1001 other girls out there, it's about my 1 that found me.

Keep loving me, it's all I need and I promise to stay and fight for as long as you want me and to God, I pray that I am always enough for you......

[VINA]

******

**Locks thoughts***

*It's time to close for the year.*

I'll be assessing my thoughts for the year 2018 when I get back. 

I'll see you in 2019!!! And if I'm not here to say it, "merry Xmas and a prosperous New year!!".

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*2019*