Vina's Corner (Inside my head)

[VINA]

Inside my head right now*

Things you need to drop in 2019!

 

It's some hours to the new year and yes, there are things that have annoyed me greatly throughout the year and for real, they really need to stop.

1) Homophobic people, me I'm just tired of all of you. I don't even have strength any more to banter words with y'all. Una no dey rest? Una no go leave us? Na we cause una problems? Did gay people steal from you? This is a new year😏, if you can, Biko turn a blind eye to us.

2) Mama de Mama's that have a serious GF but are out here hunting for people to shift their wombs, I hail o. This is a new year, face your situationship and leave the rest alone.

3) Those girls that thrive on DRAMA, always causing confusion, creating scenes, scheming and directing, editing and casting. If you didn't get an Oscar last year then it's prolly a sign that the movie industry is not for you. Hanty relax on the drama small. Edakun😌

 

4) Hanty bisexual with boy friend and still looking for a serious girl to date🙄 how market? You still want to enter the new year with double double? Ahn ahn!!!!!

 

5) I must talk this one, grown ass ladies, buying expensive hair and shiii but you can't even smell your pant, or monitor your vagina to see if all is well there. And when all seems not to be well, you cannot find a healthy solution to it, yet you walk around proudly and expect people to touch you there. Seriously, you need to stop this one, stop inconveniencing people, they might not complain but inside they hate the idea of sex with you. For your sake and our sakes, Biko, try, treat yourself!!!😭

6) This one dey touch my kikum! 

This new year, if you have not been sucking p**sy Biko repent! What is your excuse sef? How can you be a lesbian and you see a freshly, neatly trimmed p**sy and you are not in a hurry to tongue it till your tongue comes out from her mouth? Are you really a lesbian? I don't like this nonsense, before we start abeg warn me, so I won't waste power sucking you only to hear that you can't return the favor. That witchcraft must end with this year.

7) Ehen, eyin omo wobe, yes, you, looking for sugar mummy, thinking that being a lesbian is all about dating older women for monetary gains. For real, stop it. Nobody is buying that shii anymore. Even the sugar mummies are looking for career sugar babies because nobody wants a liability so hanty stop it. Stop fooling yourself looking for a sugar mummy in this new year. Tainks.

😎 last but not the least, the science students!! The chimneys, those sniffing and smoking anything that looks like grass. Ha! Popping pills, drinking solutions, sniffing soakaway!!! Ha!!

It's a new year and I can give you one million and one reasons why you don't need anything to get you high but oh well, wetin I won talk wey you never hear before? See, I know it's your body but if you ever plan on starting a family then you owe it to them to be fit and healthy and not become a health complication to them. It's a new year, stop those shiiiiiii, it has never helped anyone.

 

🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 Las Las, this new year, let's make that money, Let's get that bread!!!!!! In the same vein, I'm counting down.....

#flys fence

[VINA]

Inside my head right now*

Is anyone ready for a new story??

Everyone who reads my stuff is legit absent 😅😅 phewww!! 

Now that I have lots of time on my hands.... Na wa o

 

Meanwhile, I see that people have started getting into the name Blakky.. I hope y'all don't pronounce it as Blacky tho😂😂 Blakky as in Blake lively and stuff. Y'all don't worry, Blakky would grow on ya. 

Erm, what else is inside my head sef!!!!!! Food!!!!! Yass food!! I've been stuffing my face throughout this ASUU strike and my waist beads are like threatening to burst and scatter everywhere on the floor. Pheww, that is starting to worry me.

Ehen, the idea of a secret admirer was creepy at first but I think I'm starting to like my secret admirer. Lol. She gives me life. Hahahaha and this her last post legit cracked me up. I laughed so hard. See, someone cares about me and it's good to know. 

 

There, I just cleared my head. Pheww, feels lighter. Lol. 

 

[Isee]

On Tuesday, January 29, 2019 at 9:30 PM, Blakky said:

Inside my head right now*

Is anyone ready for a new story??

Everyone who reads my stuff is legit absent 😅😅 phewww!! 

Now that I have lots of time on my hands.... Na wa o

 

Meanwhile, I see that people have started getting into the name Blakky.. I hope y'all don't pronounce it as Blacky tho😂😂 Blakky as in Blake lively and stuff. Y'all don't worry, Blakky would grow on ya. 

Erm, what else is inside my head sef!!!!!! Food!!!!! Yass food!! I've been stuffing my face throughout this ASUU strike and my waist beads are like threatening to burst and scatter everywhere on the floor. Pheww, that is starting to worry me.

Ehen, the idea of a secret admirer was creepy at first but I think I'm starting to like my secret admirer. Lol. She gives me life. Hahahaha and this her last post legit cracked me up. I laughed so hard. See, someone cares about me and it's good to know. 

 

There, I just cleared my head. Pheww, feels lighter. Lol. 

 

Please, I am ready for a new story ooo

[VINA]

3 hours ago, omomegbe said:

Please, I am ready for a new story ooo

Rule breaker. Commenting in my personal space..

How would you like to be punished?😑🤨 #bend over

[VINA]

Inside my head right now!!!

 

Calm!! Peace!!

Everything is a process. Whatever is happening right now that seems so unpleasant and hard to go through will pass. All you need is TIME. 

I am never scared of drastic change because I got to understand that everything passes and time does heal all wounds. It's in this very philosophy that I live. I breath calm even in the times where I should be screaming or tearing my head out. 

 

I've watched people that once matter walk out my life without looking back, friends metamorphos into enemies and lovers turn to betrayers but I know that all the anxiety will pass. New friends would come, new lovers would come and life goes on.😍

[VINA]

In another world, another time, in different situations, maybe you and I could have worked.

 

If I had all the monies in the world, if I was taller, if I was sane, maybe you and I could have worked.

 

If I could open my mouth and express all of my feelings, drop it all at your feet maybe you and I could have worked.

If I could have afforded to take you on a vacation, afforded that diamond ring that you said you wanted, maybe It would be me right now standing next to you, saying these vows.

 

If I didn't have all of these mini relationships going on, if I hadn't f***ked your friend then just maybe, it would be my eyes you were staring at like this.

I could have done a lot of things different but I must be the shitiest person on Earth or just maybe I really do not believe that someone like me deserved someone like you or that I even deserve happiness. 

You deserve all the happiness in the world but in another time, I would be your happiness.

[VINA]

Dear young gay person,

 

How are you? I hope that this little talk of mine would meet you well or maybe not because let's face it, you're gay.

I am writing this piece to you because as one who knows a little more about being queer, it is expedient that I direct you in your new realization so that you will not make mistakes.

First off, I want you to know that in journey of life, you're going to find yourself, discover yourself, lose yourself and then rediscover yourself. Life is like water, constantly flowing, assuming new forms and shape. You're going to change.

I want you to know that it is okay to change, change is necessary and like they say, it's the only constant thing in life. Embrace your metamorphosis and do not feel like you have betrayed anyone in finding yourself.

Secondly, stay away from labels. I for one used to believe that things should be labeled, put neatly in a box and tied neatly but that is because I am human and it is so much easier for humans to judge things at the face value. No one wants to do any work in figuring you out, they just want to label you quickly and then stereotype you.

 

If you can, avoid labels. You're unique, you're one in a billion and labelling yourself limits you, it ties you, it confines you.

You might think you are straight one minute, then you would discover you like people of the same sex, then maybe later in the future, you would realize that it's not about the gender but the person and if you keep labelling yourself at every point of discovery then you would be a kind of Frankenstein.

Dear young gay person, live your truth but be wise. In our society, you cannot afford to be too different. You have to be like everyone else on the outside but never lose yourself.

I need you to understand one thing. Not everyone has to know all about you. There is something we call "Need to know" in security lingua. Not everyone has the clearance to have access to some information so before you tell someone about yourself, ask yourself if they really need to know.

Protect your space, especially your mental space. Your sexuality is important but it is not all there is to you. 

Embrace your emotions, all of it and stay winning.

~Love. VINA~

[RedSafire]

On 12/31/2018 at 10:44 AM, Blakky said:

Inside my head right now*

Things you need to drop in 2019!

 

It's some hours to the new year and yes, there are things that have annoyed me greatly throughout the year and for real, they really need to stop.

1) Homophobic people, me I'm just tired of all of you. I don't even have strength any more to banter words with y'all. Una no dey rest? Una no go leave us? Na we cause una problems? Did gay people steal from you? This is a new year😏, if you can, Biko turn a blind eye to us.

2) Mama de Mama's that have a serious GF but are out here hunting for people to shift their wombs, I hail o. This is a new year, face your situationship and leave the rest alone.

3) Those girls that thrive on DRAMA, always causing confusion, creating scenes, scheming and directing, editing and casting. If you didn't get an Oscar last year then it's prolly a sign that the movie industry is not for you. Hanty relax on the drama small. Edakun😌

 

4) Hanty bisexual with boy friend and still looking for a serious girl to date🙄 how market? You still want to enter the new year with double double? Ahn ahn!!!!!

 

5) I must talk this one, grown ass ladies, buying expensive hair and shiii but you can't even smell your pant, or monitor your vagina to see if all is well there. And when all seems not to be well, you cannot find a healthy solution to it, yet you walk around proudly and expect people to touch you there. Seriously, you need to stop this one, stop inconveniencing people, they might not complain but inside they hate the idea of sex with you. For your sake and our sakes, Biko, try, treat yourself!!!😭

6) This one dey touch my kikum! 

This new year, if you have not been sucking p**sy Biko repent! What is your excuse sef? How can you be a lesbian and you see a freshly, neatly trimmed p**sy and you are not in a hurry to tongue it till your tongue comes out from her mouth? Are you really a lesbian? I don't like this nonsense, before we start abeg warn me, so I won't waste power sucking you only to hear that you can't return the favor. That witchcraft must end with this year.

7) Ehen, eyin omo wobe, yes, you, looking for sugar mummy, thinking that being a lesbian is all about dating older women for monetary gains. For real, stop it. Nobody is buying that shii anymore. Even the sugar mummies are looking for career sugar babies because nobody wants a liability so hanty stop it. Stop fooling yourself looking for a sugar mummy in this new year. Tainks.

😎 last but not the least, the science students!! The chimneys, those sniffing and smoking anything that looks like grass. Ha! Popping pills, drinking solutions, sniffing soakaway!!! Ha!!

It's a new year and I can give you one million and one reasons why you don't need anything to get you high but oh well, wetin I won talk wey you never hear before? See, I know it's your body but if you ever plan on starting a family then you owe it to them to be fit and healthy and not become a health complication to them. It's a new year, stop those shiiiiiii, it has never helped anyone.

 

🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 Las Las, this new year, let's make that money, Let's get that bread!!!!!! In the same vein, I'm counting down.....

#flys fence

😭how come I am just seeing this!? #6 and 7...😺you’re sly!

[RedSafire]

On 9/9/2019 at 2:30 PM, Blakky said:

Dear young gay person,

 

How are you? I hope that this little talk of mine would meet you well or maybe not because let's face it, you're gay.

I am writing this piece to you because as one who knows a little more about being queer, it is expedient that I direct you in your new realization so that you will not make mistakes.

First off, I want you to know that in journey of life, you're going to find yourself, discover yourself, lose yourself and then rediscover yourself. Life is like water, constantly flowing, assuming new forms and shape. You're going to change.

I want you to know that it is okay to change, change is necessary and like they say, it's the only constant thing in life. Embrace your metamorphosis and do not feel like you have betrayed anyone in finding yourself.

Secondly, stay away from labels. I for one used to believe that things should be labeled, put neatly in a box and tied neatly but that is because I am human and it is so much easier for humans to judge things at the face value. No one wants to do any work in figuring you out, they just want to label you quickly and then stereotype you.

 

If you can, avoid labels. You're unique, you're one in a billion and labelling yourself limits you, it ties you, it confines you.

You might think you are straight one minute, then you would discover you like people of the same sex, then maybe later in the future, you would realize that it's not about the gender but the person and if you keep labelling yourself at every point of discovery then you would be a kind of Frankenstein.

Dear young gay person, live your truth but be wise. In our society, you cannot afford to be too different. You have to be like everyone else on the outside but never lose yourself.

I need you to understand one thing. Not everyone has to know all about you. There is something we call "Need to know" in security lingua. Not everyone has the clearance to have access to some information so before you tell someone about yourself, ask yourself if they really need to know.

Protect your space, especially your mental space. Your sexuality is important but it is not all there is to you. 

Embrace your emotions, all of it and stay winning.

~Love. VINA~

I love your writing and will visit often. I hope someone sees this and appreciates it. When is the next post?

[VINA]

On 9/11/2019 at 8:18 PM, RedSafire said:

😭how come I am just seeing this!? #6 and 7...😺you’re sly!

Lol. I guess.

 

On 9/11/2019 at 8:22 PM, RedSafire said:

love your writing and will visit often. I hope someone sees this and appreciates it. When is the next post?

Thanks for the compliment.

I just post random stuffs off the top of my head. Depends on the mood. No scheduled time.

[VINA]

Inside my head right now...

To each his own temptation..

 

Kiara: I think I might be gay. I have this intense attraction to other women and even though I haven't carried it out, I feel strongly that I am gay.

James: will you shut up and stop saying nonsense! It's the devil, putting all these thoughts in you. How can you see a handsome man and say it's a fellow woman you want. Resist the devil and he will flee. Don't let the demons get you, please.

Kiara: James,

James: yes, what is it? I am telling you facts.

Kiara: I know but James, have you ever had thoughts of having sex with a man? You ever dreamt about it or imagined it?

 

James: What the hell!! I'm just going to puke now. Like never!!! Why would I even imagine such. God forbid. It's never crossed my mind, like never.

Kiara: Have you had indecent thoughts towards a beautiful woman before?

James: Yes of course, I'm a man, it happens all the time.

Kiara: so how does the devil choose these things? How does he decide that he can tempt one man with heterosexual stuffs and the other with homosexual stuffs. How exactly does the devil know what to tempt each man with?

James: erm... I guess.. he knows what our desires are. What is your point anyways.

Kiara: who put the desires in me?

James: The devil K, the devil.

Kiara; Why did he pick me? Why does he have the power and why should I be blamed for something i cannot even control. Why does he have the power to put these desires that I cannot fight inside of me. How did he have access to my insides and not to yours? There are so many temptations, why this one? Isn't he supposed to tempt us with our weaknesses? Why is women my own weakness? Did the devil come before the desire or after the desire? I am asking you, which came first? The temptation or the desire?

James: I am confused, I don't even know what to say K. No one has any answers. I'm just human, I cannot give any satisfactory answer to any of these questions. I never even thought of it.

Kiara: Then you shouldn't be so quick to talk about things you don't understand James. Really, stop. 

 

 

[VINA]

 If you've had anything you always wanted to ask me. You can follow this link and ask anonymously.  I'm having way too much fun.

https://curiouscat.me/HannahHitler

[VINA]

******

Inside my head right now*

Writing love letters and how it feels.*

I've always considered myself a writer. I always express better when I write but it would be creepy AF if I wrote down everything I was feeling as a letter to my lovers so I always ended up bottling things up. Now, I think that it's something I should definitely embrace or maybe I should learn to speak more, talk about my feelings but knowing myself, that might never happen. I'm too set in my ways😂😂

[VINA]

Inside My Head Right Now,

Sex is Sex.

Love is Love.

 

I'm a bit controversial I know, the things that run through my mind often leaves me breathless sometimes. 

But really, isn't love supposed to be love and sex to be sex? You still don't get my point right. Okay let me break it down.

 

What's with this gold star Lesbian and gold star gay thing abeg? Wait! Am I supposed to give you an award for never having sex with a guy? I'm not beefing o, I'm just saying, sex is Sex and love Is love.

 

Simple question- have you had sex before? Answer should be yes or no and not "only with guys or only with girls or bla bla bla" 

 

Have you been in love before? Yes or no except I ask you to specify, except I ask you to elaborate then sex is Sex, and love is Love. It's just general like that, simple.

 

Is loving men different from women? 

 

It's just like in those days when these girls were having oral sex, anal sex and dry humping but still claiming to be virgins just because the hymen was still intact.

 

Also cheating is cheating because sex is Sex..it's not less painful because it was with a woman or with a man, it's still sex and it still hurts.

Flirting is still flirting and the gender doesn't matter. 

See 2020 is coming so let's be guided. Don't make me come up with another list of things we should drop this year because local girl cannot can anymore.

If I meet another Lesbian claiming it's not cheating because it's a woman or a man then I'll just lose my damn mind.

Don't cheat on me, never! Even with your own hands, don't! Teinks

 

[VINA]

Inside my head, (What does it feel like in the homophobic mind?)

 

I am the judge, I am the jury,

And I'll not hesitate to crucify you because I'll always find you guilty.

 

I'm not God the Father nor the son, so I'll not hesitate to withhold mercy from you.

 

I hate what you stand for, i hate what you are,

Who are you to think that you can stand against all of Us, who are you to think that you can be yourself in this world.

 

I've been subdued, I've been denied, I've had to do everything to please this society, I'm stiffled, I'm supressed,

 

Who are you to walk around with a rainbow above your head.

 

I've had to kill myself to live, I've had to die to exist,

Who are you to Live and be alive before you die.

 

So I hate you, I detest you,

I'm going to hide behind any mask I can to bring you so much pain,

cause deep inside, I know that you are everything that I'm not and will never be.

 

 

[VINA]

Inside my head,

Emotions,

I've said that in my next relationship, I would want to write more.

Man know thyself! I'm not much of a talker and even when I do try to express myself, I misfire a lot.

I would put this in my other diary but I don't want you to see this anytime soon. I want to own these feelings, I want it to belong to me and I do not want to share with Alex just yet.

I've not been alive for the longest time. I've just been living, existing. I've not felt in a long time, I've just been spectating.

Nothing mattered, nothing mattered.

Jesus loves gay people. I can swear it, Jesus loves gay people. How else can I explain it?

I was tired, I needed someone but I've tried by myself all these while to find this person. 

If I was straight, if I could talk to God about this rainbow side of me, I would have prayed but did I really want to pray to God to bring a girl that I can love my way???

Could I!! I can, and I did. I've asked God for everything in the past, I was going to also ask Him this so I did. I prayed for you, I grew some balls and prayed to God for you and you came.

Don't tell me nothing about Jesus hating gay people. Lol.

You came to me, my very  own miracle and it's not anything about the physical with you, it's about the way you make me feel and I'm loving it.

Do you know how I felt hearing you sing for me that morning? It's shameful to agree to and I'm just now realizing that I am a hopeless romantic. I've just been too bullheaded to accept that I love romance. Damn!!

 

You'll be the death of me, I already know this. It is you that will break me, all of the barriers, all the threshold, everything that I've put up to protect myself, my heart, it's you that will crumble them and while it makes me scared, I'm also very happy. 

I'm embracing this, I don't even mind if you hurt me, break my heart, it would be the most that i have felt in years and if you do chose to love me, it would be the greatest gift I ever received.

That night I said that my heart was racing a little, i lied, it had been running haywire like a train without control.

All the times that you said you loved me and I said I wasn't there yet, I was lying, I've been there a long time. 

 

I don't care about tomorrow, or the next, I just care about now and how I'm feeling right now and I just had to document it somewhere because we both agreed that feelings are fickle thing so before the feeling of hunger envelopes me and consumes me, it's better I put this one down first.

PS! I meant it when I said you are everything I prayed for, dreamt of.

And you also intimidate the f***k outta me. How do you know so much and I have to refer to my dictionary like almost all the time? 

I want to keep being your bb and i like when you call me that.

[M2DD]

On 12/11/2019 at 2:43 PM, VINA said:

Inside my head,

Emotions,

I've said that in my next relationship, I would want to write more.

Man know thyself! I'm not much of a talker and even when I do try to express myself, I misfire a lot.

I would put this in my other diary but I don't want you to see this anytime soon. I want to own these feelings, I want it to belong to me and I do not want to share with Alex just yet.

I've not been alive for the longest time. I've just been living, existing. I've not felt in a long time, I've just been spectating.

Nothing mattered, nothing mattered.

Jesus loves gay people. I can swear it, Jesus loves gay people. How else can I explain it?

I was tired, I needed someone but I've tried by myself all these while to find this person. 

If I was straight, if I could talk to God about this rainbow side of me, I would have prayed but did I really want to pray to God to bring a girl that I can love my way???

Could I!! I can, and I did. I've asked God for everything in the past, I was going to also ask Him this so I did. I prayed for you, I grew some balls and prayed to God for you and you came.

Don't tell me nothing about Jesus hating gay people. Lol.

You came to me, my very  own miracle and it's not anything about the physical with you, it's about the way you make me feel and I'm loving it.

Do you know how I felt hearing you sing for me that morning? It's shameful to agree to and I'm just now realizing that I am a hopeless romantic. I've just been too bullheaded to accept that I love romance. Damn!!

 

You'll be the death of me, I already know this. It is you that will break me, all of the barriers, all the threshold, everything that I've put up to protect myself, my heart, it's you that will crumble them and while it makes me scared, I'm also very happy. 

I'm embracing this, I don't even mind if you hurt me, break my heart, it would be the most that i have felt in years and if you do chose to love me, it would be the greatest gift I ever received.

That night I said that my heart was racing a little, i lied, it had been running haywire like a train without control.

All the times that you said you loved me and I said I wasn't there yet, I was lying, I've been there a long time. 

 

I don't care about tomorrow, or the next, I just care about now and how I'm feeling right now and I just had to document it somewhere because we both agreed that feelings are fickle thing so before the feeling of hunger envelopes me and consumes me, it's better I put this one down first.

PS! I meant it when I said you are everything I prayed for, dreamt of.

And you also intimidate the f***k outta me. How do you know so much and I have to refer to my dictionary like almost all the time? 

I want to keep being your bb and i like when you call me that.

I swear I’m sending her to come read this.....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣... u bet I am. What did I tell u two days ago? You’ve gone soft, you no longer support my vices

[VINA]

34 minutes ago, M2DD said:

I swear I’m sending her to come read this.....🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣... u bet I am. What did I tell u two days ago? You’ve gone soft, you no longer support my vices

I'm still tough 😂😂😂 beht is this how love feels? Una dey enjoy o.

[VINA]

*Inside my head*

 

Sleeping forever.

Is there a difference between being suicidal and wanting to just sleep and never wake up?

I've never thought of Killing myself, okay, maybe I have but it's never registered long enough for me to actually consider it.

Until recently when I imagined going to bed and never waking up.( This is not me being suicidal)

These thoughts stem majorly from laziness, living can be so exhausting. It is only in sleep that I find rest.

So what would it feel like to sleep for ever? 

What drugs can I use in high dosage that would help me sleep forever? 

I sat there motionless with my phone in hand, knowing that if I ever get to asking Google then I was really at that point of no return. 

I sat there weighing the options and my mind brought my baby's face to me. If I slept and never woke up, how would my baby survive?

I pushed this thought out of my head because I am selfish and its always about self. Why should I struggle to wake up to please anyone? What about me? 

I finally clicked the Google button and my answers rush in. I click on quora and the first answer I see breaks me. She'd tried this same thing and it had been a bad decision and now, though she gives me answers, she doesn't encourage me to do this and it is then I finally take my baby into consideration, for real.

I am selfish, I'd thought of my baby, I'd thought of my family but none of it had mattered, it had  been about me so I break into tears because I feel like I'd betrayed my baby for not thinking about her and how this would break her. I cry because I feel like shit, a terrible person and I feel guilty for even considering this.

So, I slept last night and now I'm awake, at my job, playing with my kids and no one is the wiser. 

😁😁😁😁😁

 

[VINA]

Okurrrr!!!!

 

Temmie Ovwasa is f+++king with my damn mind.

 

So Temmie goes ahead and drops the album of the year. I've never been this hyped about an entire album. This is it!!!

 

So much creativity. She's definitely grown into herself and it shows.

 

Album has been on replay like ehn, throat go don dey pain her for where she dey.

 

Being the ho that I am, all the sex songs na wetin dey burst my head. 37times!!  Osunwemimo!!! My absolute fave, makes me want to find someone and make love with. 

 

Do check the album out and drop thoughts.

 

https://audiomack.com/thetemmieovwasa/album/e-be-like-say-dem-swear-for-me

[VINA]

Dear Chuba, Chinua and Dezi,

I am your mother, and for the longest time, all I have ever wanted was to bring you here and show you just how much I could love you.

You are inside of me, floating, and I have been working my ass off because I am preparing a table for when you come.

My dear children, what is the greatest act of love? What is the ultimate show of love?

For a mother, what is the one singular act of bravery that can win me mother of the century?

I sought the answers. Maybe when you are here, I will sacrifice my body, my time, all my money, my life, I will lay it down for you but is that really the greatest act of motherly love?

I looked at the world in all it's entirety. I looked through books, looked inwards, looked to the sky, searching for the one grand reason why we are here.

What is this struggle, this strife, when does it end? Why are we here? What is the purpose of life?

I am not the first to ask and neither will I be the last.

You see, my children, life is easier when you are stupid, when you are docile, when you do not ask questions but I have been cursed with a brain that works and I am sure I will pass it you.

Is there a purpose to life? The answer is NO! Lol. You my children will think when you are growing up that there is a grand purpose to your life, a problem you were born to fix and you will carry that fire till your teenage years. Everyone will tell you that you are different (lol), there's no other person like you, you are unique and there is something about you but everyday, thousands of 'UNIQUE' children die. Some In the womb, some during childbirth, some in childhood, some in school, some in the hands of wicked men. It doesn't end, but I'll pray that you survive infancy.

I want to protect you, I want to shield you from the evils of the world so I said I would not take you to school, rather I will work from home to homeschool you. See, other kids have started taking guns and knives to school. What if, just what if, you my children are...

I plan to make money, so much money that when you are born, you will never lack for anything but my children, the world is made in such a way that there is no happiness. The rich cry and my money might feed and clothe you but it will not be enough if you come with a terminal illness without cure. It will not take away the pains if you have cancer and it certainly cannot protect you from Depression. My money, might not be enough to save you or make you happy.

I thought that I would love you so much, dote on you so much, teach you everything I know. I even carved out a manual on how to raise you, starting from the womb. I even started to write stories for you to read but what if you are born and you cannot read, cannot write? What if you are born and you cannot hear or comprehend? How then will I show you my love?
What if my love is not enough? What if you detest my love and want it from others, others that might never love you.

What if you are gay? So many what if's and all of them end up badly.
What is the ultimate love? The ultimate sacrifice of a mother for a child?
I believe that it is not bringing you here to this world.

It's children's Day and I have chosen to sacrifice my needs, my want.

It's children's Day and I am choosing to put you before myself.

That picture perfect baby that I think that I need, that need for unconditional love, I am sacrificing it.

The greatest sacrifice of a mother is to choose to not bring you here at all.

Not many will pick it because we are selfish and selfishness is sometimes good but we all should know that bringing children into this world is not the act of kindness that it looks like.

You are inside of me but my children are too good for this world.

In a better world, in a saner time, maybe we would finally get to meet physically.

I love you always.