Administrators FlyJ Posted May 7, 2015 Administrators Share Posted May 7, 2015 Know this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, is your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be. For a relationship to work, a connection must go both ways. Even if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized. And just because someone might have been your soul mate at a previous time, it doesn’t mean he or she is right for you today. Perhaps the person can’t or won’t reciprocate or is simply oblivious, a frustrating irony you must accept. Don’t put your life on hold for unrequited longing. Meanwhile, keep your options open. How do you avoid getting entangled in dead-end or delusional relationships where you see someone in terms of how you wish them to be, not who they are? Here are some red flags to watch for. Recognizing even one of these should warn you to be careful. The more that are present, the more danger exists. 12 Signs of Unavailable People They are married or in a relationship with someone else. They can’t commit to you or have feared commitment in past relationships. They have one foot on the gas pedal, one foot on the brake. They are emotionally distant or shut down, or can’t deal with conflict. They’re mainly interested in sex, not relating emotionally or spiritually. They are practicing alcoholics, sex addicts, or substance abusers. They prefer long-distance relationships, emails or texting, or don’t introduce you to their friends and family. They are elusive and sneaky, frequently working or tired, and may disappear for periods. They are seductive with you but make empty promises—their behavior and words don’t match. They send mixed messages, flirt with others, or don’t give a straight answer—you’re always trying to “de-code” what they really mean. They’re narcissistic, only considering themselves, not your needs They throw you emotional crumbs or enticing hints of their potential to be loving, then withdraw. At first, some signs may be more obvious than others. It’s tricky: We typically tend to show our best selves in the honeymoon stage of a romance. It can take time for someone’s unavailability to emerge. One patient lamented to me, “I need a crystal ball. The first few months of a courtship, a man is so attentive, caring, passionate.” Partially, she’s right, but it’s also true that we tend to see what we want to see. That’s why it’s eye-opening to look at a partner’s relationship history—it can reveal volumes about their capacity for intimacy now. And beware of rationalizing that, “I’m different. This person would never be that way with me.” No matter how mightily someone blames the horrors of an ex for a past relationship’s demise, this person played a role, too. Being able to admit that, or at least trying to understand the reasons for making such a bad choice, is a positive sign. Playing the victim is not. Over the years, I’ve worked with many perplexed patients, helping them uncover why they keep holding a torch for unavailable, commitment-phobic partners—and how to retire this sabotaging pattern. Most of us aren’t purposely drawn to these kinds of people—their mixed messages combined with our particular susceptibilities, conscious or unconscious, can lure us in. Also, it helps to understand that unavailable people rarely choose to be that way. It’s an unconscious defense, perhaps against trauma or some past emotional wounding of the past. Research has shown that many people are afraid of being clung to or smothered, which could stem from having had a controlling, engulfing, or abusive parent. Commitment-phobic men, in particular, may just prefer sex without love. They are afraid of being controlled by feminine energy, though they don’t know that or couldn’t admit it. Rather, they see themselves as macho dudes who think women always need more than they can give. Thus, they prefer to play in shallow water, not go deep. Commitment-phobic women also fear intimacy and want to keep a distance. If being in a relationship with an unavailable person feels like love to you, I urge you to look closer. To find true love, ideally you want to avoid getting involved with anyone who can’t reciprocate your affections. If you are in a toxic, abusive, or non-reciprocal relationship, it may be the right choice to withdraw, even when your passion is strong and says, "Stay.” It may feel excruciating to let go when you don’t want to, or if you’re still hoping against hope that the person will change, but as my Daoist teacher once told me, “The heart knows when it’s enough.” Source 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 " The heart knows when it is enough" I think its a form of emotional abuse to be "after" an unavailable person. Some people may string their partner along, even when they have no intention to commit, even in same sex relationships. Its helps when you define your relationship with your "other", if you begin to notice those disagreeing pointers to your initial agreements, and find you two cant readily resolve them, you know its not working. " When love hurts, its not working". Question: What if you break-up a relationship because of one or most of the pointers in the O.P, then after many years, she returns with "I still love you", and various "I miss you's". For you, you ve never stopped thinking about her and the earth-shattering 'O's, then you are still single, should you take her back? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iris Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Sadly, only you can make this decision. You know, relationships are different and your relationship history is known to you alone. If you rely on what others think, you’ll end up with a skewed opinion of what to do. What you choose...you want the head to rule. But I’ll say, if a relationship is broken up for reasons other than lack of communication, mutual understanding and its derivative manifestations, then you may want to scrutinize the post. To read on Narcissism especially, most people do not know it exists. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Narcissism definition, ( mine '04' ) : lovers of self, more than lovers of God. American's are narcissistic (mine still). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dequeen Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Narcissism definition, ( mine '04' ) : lovers of self, more than lovers of God. American's are narcissistic (mine still). hahahaha!! @Moresco , have you seen this?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators FlyJ Posted May 8, 2015 Author Administrators Share Posted May 8, 2015 Lol...what u want Moresko to do about it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators moresko Posted May 8, 2015 Moderators Share Posted May 8, 2015 hahahaha!! @Moresco , have you seen this?? Seen. I wouldn't dignify that statement with an answer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 @Deequeeen. Americans, kindly exclude Nigerian Americans! Or "living in America". Don't take away "Nigeria" from a Nigerian. Nigerians are more great a people.. I can't keep on typing "I think" Thank you Iris for this supply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suavity Posted May 9, 2015 Share Posted May 9, 2015 One more thing,THE ARE EVERYWHERE!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators moresko Posted May 10, 2015 Moderators Share Posted May 10, 2015 Americans are Americans, I consider myself to be American as well as Nigerian, Narcissism does not have a nationality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
relangel Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Waoh this is an eye opener . . . it is the fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savvy Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 IMO,as humans we'v all got some form of narcissistic characteristics. most people tend to portray theirs when push comes to shove. Having said that,the above tell tale signs of being in a relationship wv an allegedly unavailable person doesnt do much justice. I think it has to be looked @ from 2perspective Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 Narcissism definition, ( mine '04' ) : lovers of self, more than lovers of God. American's are narcissistic (mine still). It is a fact that opinions are subjective (see bracket, above). I lived there. But if you want to quote me, let's talk. I can't keep typing "I think", this little box with my name and signature means my opinion? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dequeen Posted May 10, 2015 Share Posted May 10, 2015 It is a fact that opinions are subjective (see bracket, above). I lived there. But if you want to quote me, let's talk. I can't keep typing "I think", this little box with my name and signature means my opinion? Gbam! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators moresko Posted May 11, 2015 Moderators Share Posted May 11, 2015 Still, narcissism does not have a nationality, its human issue; that an objective opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Why will anybody want to respond me ( in my own "example" of Narcissism ), or try distort my view? Irrespective of the CONTEXT, at which that view was surrendered? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skills Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 hmmmm..I'm too tired to type right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abystacy Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 The mistake that people often make is thinking that every relationship is workable if love exist or if they love the other person well enough. it takes more than love to have a successful relationship. If one is more patient and pay close attention to things around them you will notice any slight difference in attitude. We should always have it at the back of our mind that we don't have nothing to prove just to be in a relationship. I much agree with the OP that [***For a relationship to work, a connection must go both ways. Even if the intuitive bond you feel is authentic, it can remain unrealized. And just because someone might have been your soul mate at a previous time, it doesn’t mean he or she is right for you today. Perhaps the person can’t or won’t reciprocate or is simply oblivious, a frustrating irony you must accept. Don’t put your life on hold for unrequited longing. Meanwhile, keep your options open.*** every human comes with a baggage, some more stronger than the other But in as much as we think we have the ability to change a person, the person in question must want the change and be willing for that change to be effective Because emotional unavailable people hardly change the way they think. It's always becomes a pattern and a way of life. No matter what Had happened in the past. You don't have to let that define you or mode you into something else...While dwell on negativity when positivity is endless. In this situation we need to think with our heads and not with our heart.we don't have to shape or mode our life just to accommodate or fit into the someon's expectations. Simply put, if you are not receiving a fair share of what you are giving, then it's time to let go no matter how difficult it may seem. it's better to feel bad and heart broken And also give your self a chance to heal and move on than to feel worst than that later on and be miserable. In the end whats the need of chasing for something that isn't freely and willingly given. Definitely not worth it. On The Issue of Narcissism: Narcissism could be a social or cultural thing. It's an individual thing. No race is excluded. Be you Nigerian, American, white or black. It's a human thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 Quite contradictory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
relangel Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 Waoh so interesting Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calllaris Posted May 21, 2015 Share Posted May 21, 2015 Whatever is said to be a cultural attitude, can be said to be a national one. Even as the age old, varying opinions and controversies, about which is the most influential in behavioural traits and attitude, between nature versus nurture continues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 On 5/8/2015 at 2:15 PM, moresko said: Seen. I wouldn't dignify that statement with an answer. 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Michelle Posted August 15, 2020 Share Posted August 15, 2020 On 5/9/2015 at 6:20 PM, moresko said: Americans are Americans, I consider myself to be American as well as Nigerian, Narcissism does not have a nationality. 👍 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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