HOW TO IDENTIFY A MIDDLE CLASS NIGERIAN

[dequeen]

We have a new president who, for the first time in a long

while, inspires confidence in a lot of Nigerians as well as the

international community. For the first time in a long time

too, many persons are beginning to take our economy

seriously and have begun to ask that knotty question: who

is a member of the Nigerian middle class? There are several

definitions of “middle class”, many of them not valid for our

peculiar context. Also, I don’t like all that jargon that

economists use. I have therefore decided to explain what

this thing called middle class is in Nigeria and which people

fall into this category. Forget what foreign economists say.

This is the real deal.

1.

In Nigeria, a person who is able to purchase a generator for

personal use and run said generator every time power goes

off is a member of the middle class. Note that this is

different from the group of lower class people who are able

to save to buy generators for their small-scale business

like hair or barbing salons. Middle class people own a

generator at home.

In this category, lower middle class will be people whose

generator cannot power all the appliances in the house and

have to make crucial decisions like whether they will run

the refrigerator or the air conditioner. The upper middle

class are those whose generators can carry all the

appliances they own and who don’t have to worry about the

refrigerator being off when the generator is being turned on.

So, in a lower middle class house, you will likely hear

someone screaming as they try to turn on the noisy

generator: "una don off evrytin?"

2.

Mobile telephony is big in Nigeria. Often however, many in

the lower classes have need to say that their “credit” ran

out. Some times they send those “Please Call Me”

messages. Members of Nigeria’s middle class however are

those who never have to tell you “I could have called you

but I don’t have credit.” They can afford to top up as soon

as their credit runs out. In this category, lower middle class

are those who can afford to top up almost immediately but

sometimes have to tell the people they are calling: “Please

let me go across the road to buy recharge card, I will call

you back.” I know many lower class people use this line

too. But the difference between a lower class person and a

(lower) middle class person is that the middle class person

often does go and buy the credit. The middle class person

calls you back. The upper middle class person in this

category is one who never runs out of credit, because they

top up regularly without waiting for it to finish. That is the

main difference: lower middle class waits until their credit

finishes before running out to buy credit and upper middle

class doesn’t need a reason to top up.

***.

I know that we don’t have a big cinema culture, but at least

in our major cities, this is one way to know persons who are

in the middle class. Middle class Nigerians can afford

movie tickets, often for themselves and their families or

lovers as frequently as once every week. What differentiates

the middle class from others is that they can also afford the

overpriced popcorn that is traditionally part of the cinema

experience. While lower class people can save and go to

the cinema on special occasions like Eid, Easter or

Christmas, the middle class person doesn’t need a special

occasion to go to the cinema. In this category, the upper

middle class people actually avoid the cinema on public

holidays so as to avoid mixing with the lower class people

who have saved to enjoy this experience.

5.

A middle class Nigerian often has a car. If they do not have

a car it is usually because they are saving to buy a really

cool car and would rather take taxis than go through the

stress of driving a problematic second-hand Japanese car.

However, some lower class people happen upon some cash

and buy cars like those who are able to save and buy taxis.

There are cars and there are cars.

While a lower class person will often abandon their car as

soon as fuel scarcity bites hard, the middle class person is

often able, albeit through much complaining, to buy very

expensive fuel from the black market to keep their car

running. During periods of fuel scarcity, the difference

between the upper and lower middle class becomes clear.

The upper middle class person will experience no change in

driving habits while the lower middle class person will do

things like stop using the car air conditioner or turn off the

engine in traffic or when they stop at traffic lights. On social

networking sites like Twitter for example, you will find lower

middle class people tweeting about their fuel woes and how

much they bought a 10 litre gallon for. Or they will

shamelessly put out an SOS asking who knows where they

can get fuel. Upper middle class people never tweet photos

of their fuel tank during fuel scarcity or celebrate when they

find fuel. This is because (a) they are usually connected to

someone who can provide them fuel and often never have to

queue themselves and (B) they are afraid that if they confess

they do have fuel, their lower middle class friends will beg

them for some. And there are many in this lower middle

class. You help one, they go and brag to all their friends and

you find a dozen strangers begging you for fuel. Because

yes, no one brags like lower middle class people. To avoid

this kind of situation, it is not uncommon for upper middle

class people to become hypocrites: join the rest of Nigeria

in complaining about the fuel situation without providing

any specifics.

5.

Cable television is an important aspect of middle class life

in Nigeria. DSTV is one defining characteristic of Nigeria’s

middle class. Again, sometimes, a person from the lower

class may happen upon some money and buy a DSTV

satellite dish and decoder. But often the lower class person

will go some months without a valid subscription. A middle

class person always has a valid subscription and even

when DSTV increases their charges, they will complain and

create hashtags to protest the increase, but go ahead and

pay. Because they cannot live without DSTV. The difference

here between the upper and lower middle class is that the

upper middle class person will never complain about

subscriptions and will always have the premium bouquet.

The lower middle class person changes bouquets

depending on their finances. And they always complain.

6.

Many Nigerians try to better their lives, but often, in the

absence of real power, they leave matters to God. The

middle class, while still cherishing the immense power of

God, know the truth in the saying: God helps those who help

themselves. A middle class Nigerian is one who knows a

person in government or authority who can change the

course of events in their favor. It can be admission into

university for their children, contracts or the fast tracking of

an application or other process or even buying bread which

is in high demand from a crowded supermarket. A middle

class person prays and then looks for someone who can

write them a note that can work wonders. What

differentiates the upper middle class Nigerian from the

lower middle class are the degrees of separation between

them and the person(s) with real power. So, for example,

while a lower middle class person may have to go to their

uncle who knows an ex local government chairman who

knows one of the members of the governing council of a

university who can speak to the vice chancellor for their

child’s admission, an upper middle class person may have

been classmates with the Governor’s wife and can beg her

directly to include their child’s name on the list the

Governor sends to the vice chancellor for admission.

7.

Nigerians of all social classes love to travel. Yes, they may

all be travelling for different reasons, but they all at least try

to travel. While many in the lower class may not be able to

afford to travel or meet visa requirements, a few do, either

smuggling their way to Europe and finding a way to stay

illegally or taking the dangerous trip by sea or desert.

Middle class Nigerians, however take pride in their travels.

They invest in their travels. They talk about where they

have been and show off items they bought from abroad.

In this category, one difference between the lower and upper

middle class Nigerian is that the lower middle class

Nigerian is more noisy about their travels, from the visa

application process to talking about the bags and

shoes they bought in Dubai. For every visa a lower middle

class person has, they have applied for four. They are

relentless and throw dignity to the wind until they get the

visa they need to travel. If they couldn't get the US or UK

visa they will try Malaysia. If they don't get that they will try

Dubai or South Africa. And they will keep coming back until

the US or UK sees the dozen Asian visas on their passport

and gives them that visa. Often, a conversation between two

lower middle class persons will consist of sharing tales

about visa application or asking each other what visas they

have and how long it took them to finally get it. A visa is

life for the lower middle class Nigerian. An upper middle

class Nigerian however, might have already schooled

abroad. Yes, maybe in Cyprus or Ukraine, but to most

Nigerians schooling abroad is schooling abroad. So they

have gotten the visa panic out of their system. They travel

noiselessly and probably post pictures of their vacations

just so their friends can keep up with them. The lower

middle class Nigerian will turn on their internet location as

soon as they leave the plane so that no one on Twitter will

doubt their travels or their middle class status. No one fears

losing their status like the lower middle class Nigerian. No

one brags like the lower middle class Nigerian.

Lower middle class Nigerian conversations typically begin

with phrases like:

When I was in London (or Hoostun Tezas [Houston, Texas]

or Atlanta or Dubai or Chicago [pronounced Tchicago] or

Europe...)

That's not how they do it in London (or Hoostun Tezas

[Houston, Texas] or Atlanta or Dubai or

Chicago [pronounced Tchicago] or Europe...)

I could go on and on. If you belong to one of these

categories and have not previously considered yourself a

middle class Nigerian because of some silly criteria from

some foreign economist, I urge you to claim it. Claim it and

celebrate it. And if you are in the lower middle class, I pray

that God blesses you and lifts you into the upper middle

class. Because, trust me, there is nothing that the Nigerian

God cannot do. He can make one of your friends get into

power and help you get contracts that will instantly take you

from a used Honda to a brand new Kia or Hyundai. And from

that point to real riches, it is only a matter of time, greed

and loyalty. God bless your hustle.

Ps. I know this is difficult, but if God does bless your hustle

and you move from lower to upper middle class, try; try to

respect yourself and leave lower middle

class behaviour behind. Like bragging. Or talking about

your visas. Or how many times you went for "summer". Or

how they do it in London (or Hoostun Tezas or Atlanta or

Dubai or Tchicago or Europe...).

Pps. I know it seems like I have bad mouthed lower middle

class people. But here is one great side of the lower middle

class Nigerian: they are the most generous. Perhaps

because of fear of becoming poor or desperation to reach

upper middle class, the lower middle class person regularly

gives money to beggars, especially those who beg in God's

name. They tithe regularly. They will not risk losing any

chance to have their hustle blessed by God. Every donation

is an investment in securing their position in the middle

class and possibly bettering it. God bless lower middle

class people.

 

COPIED FROM : Elnathan John's Dark

Corner..

[Hawken]

Hilarioussss!

[FlyJ]

Hahaha