The struggles of being a lesbian dating a man

[FlyJ]

WHEN Erika Jahn holds the hand of her man, she could be part of any couple.

 

But inside, the Canadian native has a very different story to tell.

 

In a blog on xojane Erika reveals her identity struggle, living in a heterosexual relationship after previously coming out as a lesbian.

 

“When I commit to something, I go all in. I didn’t just become a vegetarian, I became a vegan”, she wrote in her article I’m A Lesbian Who Is Dating A Man.

“When I started dating a woman, I became a lesbian.”

 

But Erika, who works in diabetes fundraising, admitted she knew she was bisexual at a young age, when she “started kissing my girlfriends on sleepovers”.

As her college days rolled in she said she never seriously considered coming out.

 

“Girl stuff was for fun, but not very serious.

“Since I liked boys too, I assumed that eventually there would be a serious boy-girl scenario in my future,” she said.

 

 

 

Erika admits at that time, she hadn’t considered the repercussions of being in a same-sex relationship or the social taboos and pressures that would go with it.

 

“I had never once considered what it would be like to walk down the street holding a girl’s hand, or coming out to grandparents or raising a child in a same-sex relationship,” she said.

That process happened when, at 24, she fell in love with a woman. It took her two years to come out.

 

Things that heterosexual couples take for granted, she admits, were a struggle for her in a lesbian relationship.

 

“I never in that time even considered the option of coming out as bisexual, though. I was in a committed relationship with a woman, we thought we were deeply in love and I thought it was forever,” she said.

“I got a ‘lesbian haircut’. I joined activist and political organisations that were fighting homophobia and transphobia. I marched in pride parades.”

 

Despite her commitment to the cause, Erika found herself struggling.

 

“We never had a romantic slow dance at a wedding or a romantic kiss on a beach at sunset.

 

“It was a behind-closed-doors relationship and it suffered because of it,” she said.

 

“My relationship suffered from the pain of both real and internalised homophobia.

 

“For eight years, I almost never enjoyed even simple public affection like hand-holding, a light touch or gesture from someone I loved when the moment might have called for it.”

 

Sadly, the relationship ended. But it left Erika asking herself a lot of questions of her continued attraction to both men and women.

 

“If I date a man, do I need to come out again? What will the gay community think? Will I lose all of my gay friends? Will I lose my identity? Do I want to lose that identity?

“How do I explain it to people?

 

“It was all about the social and not at all about the personal,” she said.

 

The next time Erika fell in love, it was with a man.

 

“For the first time in a long time, the palms of my hands weren’t sweaty from anxiety and fear while holding hands in public. It was a relief,” she wrote in the blog.

“In that relief, in that ease however, I felt overshadowed by guilt.”

 

Erika says she fears she’ll be viewed as abandoning the cause — for people in the gay community to be able to walk down the street without fear.

“I am not sure how to shake it off yet,” she said.

 

“For now, I am just trying to follow my heart.”

Source

[dequeen]

So what exactly is she saying?? Rubbing it in peoples faces that she's bi? or ??? I really don't get what exactly she's trying to say.

[Abystacy]

She is not rubbing in any body's face. The only problem I have with her article is calling herself a lesbian dating a man. She's clearly confused on that. She no lesbian but bisexual. I don't see any problem in that. It's about who you love and not what you are dating. She was in a relationship with a woman for 8years but couldn't bring herself to do the PDA like she can do with a guy no one can blame her for that. Every one have their reasons for whatever they do. It could be that she's scared of been judged and too concerned about what person would say and too private. Nevertheless there's no need for label. Identify with whatever makes you comfortable and happy. This is why most lesbian thinks bisexuals are confused.

[Althena]

Many people take time to figure sexuality is fluid. They can be attracted to different points of the Kinsey scale so good on her that she has found love. She just needs to correct her label from lesbain to bi or queer, or whatever she eventually identifies as...

[Iris]

Bisexualism is a two way street. If you're in a lesbian relationship and you're that closeted, you won't embrace the relationship the way you should and chances are that it would suffer. She was compulsively insecure and rather than focus on what they had, she condescended homosexuality (subconsciously), her own way of convincing herself lesbianism doesn't fit into society's notion of 'proper'.

 

I think she had subtly rejected herself even before society rejected her. A post-mortem on her lesbian relationship, by herself, very clearly establishes this.......[“For the first time in a long time, the palms of my hands

weren’t sweaty from anxiety and fear while holding hands in

public. It was a relief ”].

 

What a rejection of self!!

 

It's not about the placards she carried or numerous parades she intoxicated herself with. If you've not come out to yourself, if your sense of self is contingent on what people think..it's a colossal loss already. Would you sacrifice 'emotional connection' for society's sake and call it love?

 

In my totally made-up estimation, homosexuality isn't a case of black and white. The gender you 'bed' is just a tangential aspect of the story. It is, infact, many shades of grey. There's the romantic love of same-sex, acceptance of self, sticking to what you identify with irrespective of the 'norm' and so on.

 

You can be technically faithful to your partner, that's right, but if you hate what you do, feel guilty about those marathons in bed..then you're rejecting your partner just the same.

 

The failure of her lesbian relationship made her realise the consequences of hiding herself and now commits to men. ........["Sadly, the relationship ended. But it left Erika asking herself

a lot of questions of her continued attraction to both men

and women"]. Her man didn't just waltz into her life. They dated, f***ked...bla bla like that. That's her decision. She's bisexual. That's the difference between.

[Suavity]

I don't think she really fell in love in the first relationship she was in lust,i think she is confuse she's not even a bisexual I think she's just a bicurious person.