How this cool music spurred this conversation

[Calllaris]

Edited:

I had a funnily amazing time this evening with my lawyer. Instead of discussing money and litigation, we discussed love! Love!, so everyone does need love, even my witty counsel?

Pity, so unlike me!, I didn't have my voice recorder 'on'. It would have been double amazing if I had recorded the whole discussion - word for word. I got the excerpts though - in my head. Let's pen it down before they flee.

My lawyer came with his friend. I also asked a friend of mine to meet me up so all four of us joined this discuss. To me, the best arguments are those where at the end of it all, everyone agrees. I call it facts tendering, not arguments. We had some differing pointers but at the end of the evening, we all reluctantly but heartily left the pub at 10pm.Yes we met at a pub.

Earlier at about 6pm, I was heading to Ikorodu - without an agenda in mind. Thank havens! that before I jumped my P. bike to Ikorodu, my lawyer called. I'm thankful, because I didn't know where I was going to in Ikorodu, I've never been to Ikorodu but I felt I must go. I'm trying to locate someone, its business, not love - don't just let your ears get prickly yet!

I was trying to find this person's address, through her birthday (yes I can do that). My numerology reading (yes, I practice that too) had been signaling '42' or '24' to me. I'm like; *Duh? What is the '4' in here about?, do you mean 4pm? No! I left home at 6pm, not 4pm. Don't know what '24 or 40' would mean. Is it the number to her house?*My numerology reading is quite reliable, though sometimes it wacks me up so '40' must mean something. I'll checkup later.

(Don't fret I'm messing with y'all heads. Equally, don't read for much undertones in this paragraph above. If you got the jinx, you got it. If you do not get it, its not for you then so just continue reading)

So when my lawyer called me instead and the social gist ensued, I saw it as a sign that I've been rescued from the tendency to be spontaneous once again. Love.

In the air-conditioned pub, a selection of cool music entertained the air as we sat to a table of four and ordered our drinks from the waiters menu. The music was a selection of cool 'old school' favorites. All four of us were old school musical lovers.

As soon as any new track came in, we'd analyze the song, the year of its release, the word's of the song and the artist. It was our muse, for fun. We were down memory lane. From Micheal Jackson's 'Speechless', to Whitney Houston's 'I will always love you'.Then Elton john's 'Sacrifice' came on.

''Elton is gay'' Chidi, my lawyer burst

I didn't like where this was going.

''He is a 'Sir'' I replied, Ignoring the gay comment. While in my head, I went *Oh buoy, can I deal this? Since I have no strength to defend gay people without raising suspicions* I tell my lawyer everything but this one?.

So I decided to manage the situation without much ado over the fact that I am gay or that these men I sat with were obvious bigots. Their attitudes to Chidi's comment were hinting already.

You see, gay people and gay topics are the new black. At every corner you are bound to hear something gay, more often than you'd think. I for one do not always enjoy 'enlightening' any bigot. The energy to expend on it is just too necessary.

Equally as I'm subconsciously 'out of the closet' - I don't try too hard to hide my sexuality so I hardly patronize homophobic people and their comments. Usually, I wouldn't hesitate to buttress that gay people have human rights.

Overtime, as a person interested in human rights activism, I believe equal rights should be projected always including that of gay people. This normally is the excuse I hide under to vent publicly for our community. When the bigots take the argument to christianity, I always trust that I can contextually and factually disarm them of their half baked, pseudo 'christian' knowledge until their mouths are agape.So its a battle I've gotten used to

But I didn't know if it was a wise idea to get in this banter with my lawyer? So I decided to bite my tongue and let the evening sail as we all continued to listen to the various wonderful renditions from the music box.

Ten minutes later, Chidi still wouldn't give up on bashing the gays.

As Micheal Bolton's 'Soul provider' took the air, he tendered yet another comment, in between mouth fulls as he was eating my money - I mean eating meat.

"This one is gay too, Micheal Bolton,.. don't you remember his looks, long hair and.."

I don't like homophobes, especially not one that eats with his mouth open. So I cut him off.

"You see, I for one couldn't care less what 'they' do with their lives (lie). But don't you think it might be a misunderstanding, how we do not 'understand' these gay people? Look at Elton John, he has been married for years and living a decent life with his partner. His people accept him because its okay within their culture. Don't you think its just too much to judge such a reputable person simply because we aren't gay?"

From his elevated 'learned friend' throne, it seemed my comments were all he needed to continue the hating

"its just an alien and barbaric practice, nonsense! How can you love your fellow? It's un African"

Jeez!

I'm infuriated at him now but in a bid to ignore him and avoid this discussion even further I mused within me, knowing that the next statement I was about to make was a lie,

"I for one do not believe there are gay people in Nigeria". I said. While thinking of other secret things I knew about the gay community in Nigeria that these men didn't know about.

Purposely amusing myself.

"No there are gays in Nigeria o".

Ben my friend tendered for the first time since the convo began, as he disengaged his lips from his glass of beer, dropping it to the table then looked at me.

"Only they are hiding".

*Why is he looking me this squarely I wondered*

"Og you said it right, Elton John is well accepted by his culture and country men, and from that perspective, nothing is wrong with being gay. But from the Christian perspective its wrong, the bible abhors it and Elton is a 'Sir' in the Church".

My lawyer's friend, Steve input, obviously feeling like he knows exactly what he was saying.

Now everyone has joined the conversation.

Steve's comment on Christianity and Homosexuality was all I needed to quit withholding myself anymore. You see I'm a Christian, and I don't like people spreading false ChristIan doctrine. Its dangerous.

So I calmly refuted what Steve had said, telling them that for the sakes of clarity that I've had an encounter with some gay theologians whom I had overheard at an exposition where the openly gay preachers disagreed with general heterosexuals interpretation of the supposed 'anti gay' verses in the bible. I didn't want to directly imply these were my personal research, while I shared some truths with them about gay theology.

Trust the three men I was sitting with to go crazy. People who have never heard about this kind of theology? Bigots? They almost ate me. Thankfully, I was tendering the gay theology while feigning naïve at its source.

"It was just something I've heard"

In a bid to grasp hold of an argument he was factually loosing, Chidi the lawyer rose from his chair like from a trance, to stand in the middle of the VIP bar, his left hand and voice raised as he began to admonish, citing verses from the bible. Especially the book of Leviticus obviously believing he had a tall argument. I explained to him what that chapter of the bible actually said.

I too was already sucked in by the need to finish what I had started, so I tackled him - subtly though. pretending those were some gay theologian facts I just dabbled upon - recently.

He quote ''in the beginning, God created them male and female...". I cited Mathew 19 to debase that, asking him if he knew that some were born eunuchs? Luckily, he disagreed that eunuchs were born, rather that eunuchs were made. So I referred everybody to Mathew 19 :11. At this point, all three had their phone bible at mode. After they had read it in black and white, there was peace and quiet. They were tongue tied.

Anyway, just believe that I subtly gave them the facts about homosexuality as they tried to muddle it up with the bible. We saw ourselves reading Mathew 19 and other verses from our phones. I enjoyed their 'confound' at my brief explanation.

No!, I didn't 'out' myself to my lawyer yet. At one point during the brief exposition, I felt all their eyes filled with disgust and puzzles - obviously wondering how someone neutral would so vehemently defend such a 'taboo' - ogling at me as I 'soared with the struggle'.

They must be saying *what with her androgynous good looks, tuxedos and ankle boots, her slightly dangling walk, and single status, confirmed! this one is one of them, no wonder....*

So after I had achieved their silence, I knew I had done some havoc especially to me. They thought I was gay. I needed to change that. So I concluded, by throwing my hands up in the air and saying

"Well, thank havens there are no gays in Nigeria. I don't believe Nigerian's are gay. Those were just theories I encountered somewhere, not in Nigeria. If you practice it here, your name is 'sorry"

I had to confuse them further because its nearly obvious from my passion when speaking on the topic - though subtle - that I had stakes. That one simple statement confused them alright.

But i knew I hadn't convinced those bigots totally that the bible isn't against homosexuality. I just knew I had sparked some interests and hit some points. How do I know? My lawyer who was the most vibrant, cooled after I had read Mathew 19:11, and said

"Of course there are born eunuchs, I agree now"

You know how good it feels when you make someone take back their words. Especially a lawyer, that's facts tendering.

The whole session made we wonder at the many more truths our learned friends didn't know

*Duh! Didn't you say there weren't eunuchs initially?* I mused, but this guy is my lawyer, a very good lawyer and a team player too. Let's be a little kind.

At their third round of drinks, the second part of the discussion ensued.

The cool love songs had kept rolling from the speakers as we all continued to analyze the powerful words of the love songs in the collections. It was our muse for the evening.

Dido's 'White flag' played. And I quoted her out loud

''But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it, Where's the sense in that?"

I shook my head at the word twist from Dido.

"This poet is good". I knew that my three companions were 'feeling' the smart mix of love words from the music too. They all gave their nod to the great words from Dido, we discussed her music career as the next track prepared to rend the air.

Now Lionel Richie's 'Hello' began seeping from the speakers.

"Chai! These westerners are too good with love words o! Yet they do not practice it. Look at their rate of divorce. We Africans hardly divorce, that is love and what love is all about. We practice love here in Africa. Love should last forever"

This was Steve, my lawyers friend speaking, as the other two men nod their heads in agreement to what he was saying.

Some 'false' in that comment made me almost berserk, but I calmed. I was angry because I knew that 99 percent of Nigerian men would rather continue with the current state of disparity between men and women in whatever sector including marriage, simply because it favored them. Men are demi - gods in Nigeria and they knew. Little wonderSteve would say the way women are slaved under the guise of marriage is an ideal

"How do you mean?" I asked "Any day, anytime the west practices a more true love than we do in Africa, though not because they are westerners but because of many other issues in Africa" (I was thinking of the over 90 percent emotionally abusive heterosexual marriages when I said this)

He responded. "No, the white man is selfish, he'd take his pen and paper and scribble unimaginable love words, love words which he can never ever practice. He just does it to make money"

"How? For how can you preach and communicate in depth such a feeling you have never felt? For you to ooze it, you must have felt it" I preached

Ben my friend who through the evening so far has been tilting towards the men's side said "so how do you reconcile the fact that they divorce more often than we do. True love ought to last forever"

The three pair of eyes were all angled at me now and I knew I had to say something seriously convincing to defend the stand I had taken. Firstly that these musical legends must have felt the love they sang about, that true love is universal, and that their divorce rate didn't mean it wasn't true love they had preached.

How was I ever going to reconcile all these factors? If I was saying that true love lasts forever and that the beautiful words they sang about weren't only a money making intent, how do I explain that most of them were divorced? How do I explain that the popular barbaric and male chauvinist kind of 'love' practiced in Nigeria wasn't an ideal kind of love specially because the women here didn't complain and most marriages remained intact?

Ben, Steve and Chidi were now all eyes. *Wriggle out of this one, 'rapier edged conversationalist' their eyes said*

I was very convinced though about one thing though. Love takes a fight, which was the fact about any true love and was determined to take them on this journey with me.

Then it began: I was preaching to prejudice itself

"Firstly '.. God so loved the world, that he gave...' You cannot love without giving. Yes you can give without loving but when you love, you must give something, anything. its either you gave your time, your words, your gifts, your best etc but giving must be involved. No wonder Whitney Houston was beloved of all and had a wonderful music career, because she gave of herself selflessly and she got the reward through her near perfect music career" I heard myself blab, I didn't think I was making sense.

I went further

"Most of the love that you see these music legends preach through their music, they must have felt it, that is why they were able to 'give' it in a way that others relate to it. The reason why they may not still be together with their first love is that love takes sacrifice...this is my second point...sacrifice...".If love took sacrifice and you allowed it to end without a fight, was that love?

I was still speaking

"If it began to rain right now and I claim to love you guys and I see you didn't come with your vehicles while I came with mine. I need to get you guys to the bustop so you can get home without being beaten by rain, yet I didn't do so. If I have not done so, I have not sacrificed for the love I clam". I was going in circles now.

Yet, I continued

"Before I came here today, I was on my way from Gbagada, going to Ikorodu, to seek out a friend. She doesn't know I'm coming, I don't know her place, but I intend to find it, that's sacrifice for love. But if you had just believed that since you and your spouse/ partner is having issues and they are wrong to have started the fight, or to remain angry with you for too long, therefore that makes it enough to let them go. Then you'll be sure that the love hadn't seen any sacrifices yet"

I wanted to stop

"Most times, pride gets in the way of sacrificial love; there is an issue and instead of opening up lines for communication, one person 'locks up' or begins to make things very difficult for the two to mend, that's not love. The ultimate aim of love is to be together and remain together. Issues 'd come up but you'd solve them together".

I gave them an instance they can relate to

"That is why you see some men jettison their commitment to their wives and go farthest to breakup their home. Why? Because when the issue came up, none of the two or only one of them was willing to fight for it. To numb pain, the other may decide to distract self with the next girl. For a night, and another night and another night, before you knew it the vacuum your wife usually filled is no longer there and then you two begin to drift further apart''

I then said

"To me Love is simply a decision and the next step would be a form of commitment, make sacrifices and a continuously fight for the love.

The DECISION would be: Are there mutual attraction and then compatibility?

The COMMITMENT would be 'Ok, we are one now, together and forever. That would be the primary focus of commitment. Every other contrary focus would be secondary.

The SACRIFICE 'd be communication, taking selfless decisions in the interest of the two"

I was sure I was officially drunk, deviating and had muddled up the whole gist when...

Ben chipped in "Og, you ve really said some points here. So what is the difference between infatuation and love?"

I simply told him infatuation is. "An incompatible relationship, where there may have been sex or intention to sex, yet one person or both are unprepared to commit or sacrifice for the relationship. You have met this person, you are fascinated by their person or their body and you have sex with them. Afterwards you find an xtics about them which you can't bear and you bail. If it was true love, you'd first make a decision to stay and you'd continually strive to find a way to work things out"

Steve Chirped in as if in a taunt but his conclusion made me see that we both were nearly on same page

"When you have accepted the person as they are, you have decided to commit to the relationship right?. Next is sacrifice, which is the fight for love. If I walk away and left the country after an arguement rather than stayed back to resolve the issue, four years later I may still have been together or married to that person as opposed to being single. Love isn't magic, love takes fight"

Did I hear him concur? we all are just drunk then!

At this, Chidi the lawyer said

"Oho, you all have made the point I seek! Love is to take the other person as they are, be sure you accept them the way they are and if you meet any issues along the way, you solve it together. Love doesn't change. That's the point I was trying to make about these musicians. If it was love, it would never end. They wouldn't let go"

"Everything ends, that's why there should be commitment. Something that makes you come back" I retorted. At this point I too was confused. Have I even made any sense?

But I knew the things I believed. I still believed a true poet can only write when 'you've' immersed 'yourself' into the scenery you create and assume your characters. Your experiences, hinting that those musicians actually felt the love they sang.

I believed love deserves a fight.

I was almost beginning to believe that if it was true love, you'd never let it end.

"Weren't you the person that told me earlier this evening that Lionel Richie's wife beats him up?", I was getting tired so I decided to jest so we wrap up.

They all burst in laughter. I did it.

Earlier, when Lionel Richie's 'Stuck on you' had played, Chidi had compared Lionel's musical legendary to MJ's legacy, and we all agreed that Lionel's legacy was better after all because he maintained his family.

I made the jest to stir the conversation from those territories but it wasn't ready to die yet

"So the sacrifice Lionel is making for his marriage is that he allows his wife to beat him, am I right Og?" Ben asked, refering to my view point about love and sacrifice

"I can't confirm that story o about Lionel Richie and wife. But if it is true then yes, that may or maynot pass as sacrifice"

I grinned weary that my mischief reply may start us another bout. It didnt

Again we all were on the same page as there was quiet again after the long argument. No, the facts sharing.

Conclusion: I'm not really one for mushy love discussions but it seemed tonight, love was looking objective. I was only looking to win a banter but certain perspectives from tonights encounter, I've tucked away for future use!

Confession: All the words on Love was said by my lawyer not me (lol). I wrote in this way for 'easy', 'readable'

Below is my opinion though:

- reason why the divorce rate is very low in these parts is the economic disparity between the men and the women. Most African women are not financially independent so they'd swallow a lot in their marriage/ relationship with men so they can survive and feed their children.

A linked scenario:

Nigerian men go abroad and in the name of 'resident's permit' or 'work papers', practice infidelity against their marriage by marrying a woman from that country while he is still legally married to his Nigerian wife. Yet the home wife can't do a thing about it. She is expected to be happy that she has a man, not just a man, but one who brings home the bacon in FOREX - that's male chauvinism. ?

[kimi]

LOL... there I was thinking 'hmmm.. a true lover of love' -the mushy kind.LOL.

 

Interesting conversation...

 

Tell your lawyer those are wise words. My favourite being:

 

"...when you love, you must give something, anything. its either you gave your time, your words, your gifts, your best"

 

A super long, enjoyable read. A mini novel! A fine narration!

[Modd]

I concur on the analogy about love and giving. I also believe you don't stop loving someone. If at all you break up

due whatever reason. Your commitment to the person might have been broken but you still carry a part of them with you. That love stays quiet within you like tiny embers that can be be relit.

 

Tricky thing, Love.

[Calllaris]

I asked some persons to help edit the story for typo's, spacing and paragraphs. They didn't do a good job and I trusted their efforts and posted that way .

In writing typos are almost unforgivable. I've edited.

Great analysis@ comments but if love was about loyalty, wouldn't it mean loving just one person at a time? While love is alive, you work on it. If it unfortunately dies, its dead and gone.

Personally, I'd want to share intimacy with as few as possible in this lifetime

Love and giving does follow, its a principle. When you love, you want to give. if you don't give, you've not loved

Tricky is an analogy in itself. Wonder if it's a totally negative word? So love has various forms and may come forth as tricky after all

[Modd]

Love is about commitment. Isn't that the same as loyalty. I believe in loving one person at a time, no diversifying.

 

And its not a matter of whether they return the love or not. You just love... Its a decision; Deciding to stay no matter what.

 

Now, when the love is unbearable and it feels like its going to tear you apart. You're drowning but your love interest is not providing the succour or comfort. You move on to someone more deserving.

 

The kicker is how to sever that connection to that other person and give yourself over to loving another. Thats where its tricky.

From experience, I can tell you this: "love lingers"

[Calllaris]

Interesting, realistic, yet subjective.