On things we should stop for our own happiness

[Keke]

IMO, majority of our unhappiness in life comes from covert contracts. Especially in Nigeria, we write such contracts on almost every issue in life.  A covert contract is when you decide, on your own, that you’ll do certain things, and automatically expect the other person to reciprocate or respond. The funny part is that you get pissed when they do not hold up their end of the contract you drew up in your head.
The line between covert contracts and etiquettes is fat. Very fat, there is nothing thin about it.
1. You decide to hold a door open for someone and get offended when they don't run up to pass through.
2. You buy stuff for a lady you like and pick offence when she says "we are just friends".
3. You are existing your parking lot at the mall and instead of just driving on, you gestured for somebody to park in the space you just created (they would have still gotten to that anyway) and you are annoyed that they didn't wave a "thank you". 
4. A stranger is seated directly in front of you in church, you spot a thread in her hair and pull it out but she doesn't as much as turn around to acknowledge, you wonder how ill-brought up someone can be.
The list goes on.
You get annoyed because people do not conform to your ideas, script and plans.
How to cut that headache you are giving yourself?
Do your act of kindness from your heart.
Let go of expecting anything in return.
Trust me, it's a blissful feeling. 

[kimi]

#word

Very very true! Thanks for this.

[Txunamy]

Gospel !

Ne'er heard any truer words.. 

[Hawken]

True words...

But don't you think if those little acts of kindness keep going unappreciated, people will be less inclined to do them?

[Txunamy]

11 minutes ago, Hawken said:

True words...

But don't you think if those little acts of kindness keep going unappreciated, people will be less inclined to do them?

That's the thing, you do little acts of kindness without expecting anything in return.. 

You do certain things because you want to, and not because you expect someone to be courteous by saying 'thank you'.

It all depends on the individual, and that's why I concurred with the topic Becos I am someone who expects nothing from people. I do stuff for people because I want to/ and cos it's the right thing to do, not cos I expect a thank you. 

 

 

 

[Hawken]

4 hours ago, Ivyy said:

It all depends on the individual, and that's why I concurred with the topic Becos I am someone who expects nothing from people. I do stuff for people because I want to/ and cos it's the right thing to do, not cos I expect a thank you.

I totally agree with the post and the bolded too. I feel like you can take pleasure from an act of kindness without getting any appreciation from the recipient. But yeah, it really is dependent on the individual.

[dreamgal]

Right from childhood, most of us were thought to give so we can receive. Sow so we can reap. Be good and get a reward. Even in religion, there's always an incentive attached to giving and doing good. Even santa gives a reward for being good. 

My point is, it's going to be very difficult to give or be kind without expectation. When the orientation and motivation about/for giving is so you can receive. 

 

[Keke]

On 3/30/2018 at 9:14 PM, Hawken said:

True words...

But don't you think if those little acts of kindness keep going unappreciated, people will be less inclined to do them?

If you expect something in return, it's no longer kindness, it's services. There are etiquettes then there are gestures you extend of your own volition. With the latter, no one owes the other any particular response.

[Keke]

6 hours ago, dreamgal said:

Right from childhood, most of us were thought to give so we can receive. Sow so we can reap. Be good and get a reward. Even in religion, there's always an incentive attached to giving and doing good. Even santa gives a reward for being good. 

My point is, it's going to be very difficult to give or be kind without expectation. When the orientation and motivation about/for giving is so you can receive. 

 

Unlearning is very possible. Lots of things we were thought have become counterproductive and detrimental to inner peace.

[Hawken]

12 hours ago, Keke said:

If you expect something in return, it's no longer kindness, it's services. There are etiquettes then there are gestures you extend of your own volition. With the latter, no one owes the other any particular response.

Hmmn I see your logic here but unlearning that would be difficult. You are basically suggesting that we do away with the "appreciation system".

If I open a door for you, I shouldn't expect a thank you. If you do same for me, I'm not going to offer a thank you either. So we'll be opening doors without thank yous. Day to day events, "easy".

Broader picture now. Lawyers, doctors, artisans who work probono get no appreciation, people who provide financial aid, give to charity, etc, they get no gesture of appreciation.

Its those in need who will suffer if that happens. Or do you really think humans are that kind?

[Keke]

19 minutes ago, Hawken said:

Hmmn I see your logic here but unlearning that would be difficult. You are basically suggesting that we do away with the "appreciation system".

If I open a door for you, I shouldn't expect a thank you. If you do same for me, I'm not going to offer a thank you either. So we'll be opening doors without thank yous. Day to day events, "easy".

Broader picture now. Lawyers, doctors, artisans who work probono get no appreciation, people who provide financial aid, give to charity, etc, they get no gesture of appreciation.

Its those in need who will suffer if that happens. Or do you really think humans are that kind?

Alright then. Do everything with expectations but remember nobody owes you anything and you can't change them. You can't also expect everyone to act like you.

I didn't say showing appreciation is wrong. I think that's the point you might not be getting.

I said (in plain terms) your decision to do anything should not be based on another's response, it should be because it's what should be done. If a thank you comes, be happy if it doesn't, be happy. Either way, your live span is still unaffected right?

 

[ChazBee]

On 30/03/2018 at 9:14 PM, Hawken said:

True words...

But don't you think if those little acts of kindness keep going unappreciated, people will be less inclined to do them?

You're right Hawken, even though it's right to be kind without expecting anything in return it is also okay to expect something regardless and I think that expectations is an unconscious part of the human nature. 

Even if it's not an outright Return Of the kindness just the acknowledgement of the kindness is a good encouragement. 

Imagine if someone went out of their way to do something for you and you acknowledged it don't you think that person will be further encouraged to do more next time? 

I am good at doing things without expecting anything but I also understand what a little appreciation does to the heart after all there is a saying that goes thus 'gratitude is an attitude that leads to beatitudes'

[Hawken]

11 hours ago, Keke said:

If a thank you comes, be happy if it doesn't, be happy. Either way, your live span is still unaffected right?

 

LOL true, and that's all that matters

[Hawken]

10 hours ago, ChazBee said:

You're right Hawken, even though it's right to be kind without expecting anything in return it is also okay to expect something regardless and I think that expectations is an unconscious part of the human nature. 

Even if it's not an outright Return Of the kindness just the acknowledgement of the kindness is a good encouragement. 

Imagine if someone went out of their way to do something for you and you acknowledged it don't you think that person will be further encouraged to do more next time? 

I am good at doing things without expecting anything but I also understand what a little appreciation does to the heart after all there is a saying that goes thus 'gratitude is an attitude that leads to beatitudes'

100% true.

But its still true that lack of expectation reduces your chances of getting hurt. But I have relegated that ideology to only romantic relationships.

Maybe its because loving someone isn't exactly an act of kindness.