All the women I loved

[Dipbluesae]

Anytime I look at my cousin and what he shares with his boyfriend. I am tempted to envy him.

A 22yo naive me then didn't know how dark the lgbtq and dating world was. A lot has happen since then and this is me talking about my dating life as a storytale.

A deep lover. I frequently expressed my feelings in the ways I knew how. But after collecting a series of heartbreaks, I too began to feel that love was vain. Truth is, I do not want a regular get outta bed.. relationship.  I do not wanna be like everyone else who is managing their relationship/marriage. I want something sincere, something true. I do not wanna be with a man as this has become quite a norm. But, I am a lesbian only attracted to women, worst of, a monogamous lesbian. 

Maybe it's age, maybe it's the heartbreaks but in time, my definition of love shifted and changed. My fear grew too.  In this me-first world, my idea of love seems nonexistent.

I think it all started with the FIRST woman, this person whom sincerity and transparency was far off. You know, I truly believe if it has been my second, things would have been different. The first is not worth been talked about so i will ignore her, but I will talk about the second later.

I don't think some people understand what they do to people especially naive young people coming into the world of relationship,  and how deep the wounds left can be. 

I kept picking and dating the wrongest set of people but the 3RD woman opened my eyes to a new world. A world of abuse and therapy. 

I used to think that love is caring, playful and you know every lovey dovey till I met the 3RD. Lol I went through hell. Hell as in Gehenna hell. 

Most of my relationship had been long distant, this was my first physical and it's also the worst I've had. Everything was subtle including the abuse.  I was the crazy one. It was bad that I actually began to believe it. I was damaged, mentally.

At first, I had a lot of expectations for a first physical relationship. Don't blame me. Was expecting good sex, good laugh. You know all the crazy stuff.. but boy was I in for disappointment! 

It was a relationship that didn't quite fit like one. I always have to watch my steps, my talks, my actions like I was a student of a sort. It's the first time I had been with someone whom I didn't feel comfortable being around with. It was like everything I did was wrong.  EVERYTHING. It was the kind of thing I hope to never happen to me again.

Then I will talk about the 4TH one who pretended to be naive and even when I was just healing convinced me how much she adored me. Ofcourse I want along with the ride cause I was barely thinking straight.  It all still turned out to be filled with dishonesty.  

If there is one thing that I have learnt so far. It's that most Nigerians love to lie. They love to take advantage. But I would also be honest and say I was not really into this one. It was just what it was.

I think dating a whole lot of people gives you insight about what's really out there. At least that's what I have learnt so far. But you might also end up coming out with heart shattered to pieces.

Before I digress, I will talk about the 2ND one. My baby. The one I should never have left. Maybe it was karma but I paid dearly for her tears and I paid in full. 

You know when you are with someone and thinks the grass is greener at the other side? Yea that's what happened. I thought I would find lots of people like her. WRONG!

This one the universe used to console me, a chance that was given to me maybe for being the good and caring person that I am. The only one I trust with even my life. Yeah! that one.

Do you believe in soulmate? In a mate perhaps? Well I do. No not a soul mate in the way people usually think. Someone who will magically appear and boom! It's 🔥. Rather, just someone you know and who knows you well. The one who loves me like really loves me even though she knows me well, flaws, quirks and all.

You know, my biggest flaw is my emotions. Till this day, I am still learning how to control my emotions. Trust me the 3RD woman scored lots of points on my emotions that I was forced to quit so many things including my clingyness. I was a different person.

Back to my answered prayer. She does not magically make my stupid emotions disappear and she does not accept it either. She just tolerates it. She also talk about it a lot, sometimes at the wrongest time lol. But she is a good person.  Like a really good person.  Her heart is kind and sincere and good. I don't think I saw her this way before now. That's why I love her. 

Truth is I didn't have a lot of love in me to give anymore but for her, I will always come through and true. I owe her. I am grateful for her. I adore her.

I certainly take responsibility for my actions and for leaving her, but the universe had other plans.  Maybe because I am a good person too or maybe because I deserve a measure of compensation for all the crap I have endured while seeking honest love. The universe made sure that this one gets to stay and I wouldn't have asked for a better prayer, answered.

Funny though, how is it that out of 4 people only one person shares my values and interests.  Again, life is a funny place.

At this time, I am not crazy about love. I just wanna have a good relationship with someone I can trust and depend on and after all my crazy choices, let's say, I am fortunate after all. 

(Funny I can still write. Lol)

❤️  D.B.S

[VINA]

Awwwn. I loved reading this. 

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Just take it one day at a time.

[kimi]

Sending lots of hugs and positive energy your way... 

The kind of love you seek exists. Don't settle. Wait for it and it would find you...

x 

[Dipbluesae]

On 12/10/2022 at 2:01 PM, VINA said:

Awwwn. I loved reading this. 

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

Just take it one day at a time.

Longest time V. 

Will do. Thank you

[Dipbluesae]

3 hours ago, kimi said:

Sending lots of hugs and positive energy your way... 

The kind of love you seek exists. Don't settle. Wait for it and it would find you...

x 

Thanks Kimi 😊