Which and Why?

[dequeen]

2 minutes ago, RedSafire said:

🤣🤣 Dates make things formal. I would rather be friends and get to know each other, even much better friends with benefit who may or may not be exclusive.

Oh! Awesome! I get now 😂

[MENA]

16 minutes ago, RedSafire said:

 I know one of the prompts for staying is fear. Abuse in relationships will only end when women are empowered not just economically but holistically to self respect, cherish who they are and what they represent.

Yes but still it all started from one point.

When you make yourself so, so vunerable before someone,  they end up taking your virtue then the issue of fear comes in. 

The thing there is people don't know when to stop in a relationship, when relationship has turn from joy to depression and fear, people should run for their dear life.

Is better to die on the road than to die in an abusive relationship.

For instance the heart braeking story that came up on facebook last month, a lady that was beaten to death two weeks after her marriage to that same man that killed her even with pregnancy.

And it was leant that even in their relationship he was always beating her. 

So my point is why allow all this, if  not Choice.

[kimi]

I'm loving your different perspectives. Making a whole lot of sense.

I always say one thing: "love yourself enough". And while this may be easier for some to do, I agree that it isn't commonplace. Sometimes, certain categories of people feel helpless and require rescuing. 

[ChazBee]

9 hours ago, MENA said:

10 hours ago, ChazBee said:

 

I Understand your point but still people should come to that awareness that they shouldn't be treated in such a manner  in respective of what ever situation they face in life, know your place.

It is that awareness role that I want to play, awareness is something that has to be taught by the informed and like I  said you're so lucky to be self aware but then we mustn't take it for granted that we all are. 

[ChazBee]

8 hours ago, MENA said:

Yes but still it all started from one point.

When you make yourself so, so vunerable before someone,  they end up taking your virtue then the issue of fear comes in. 

The thing there is people don't know when to stop in a relationship, when relationship has turn from joy to depression and fear, people should run for their dear life.

Is better to die on the road than to die in an abusive relationship.

For instance the heart braeking story that came up on facebook last month, a lady that was beaten to death two weeks after her marriage to that same man that killed her even with pregnancy.

And it was leant that even in their relationship he was always beating her. 

So my point is why allow all this, if  not Choice.

Your point is a solid one @MENA. My last relationship was mega abusive, I didn't stay because I was ignorant rather i stayed because I didn't have any choice then. I knew I was depressed and being abused but there were too many hoops to jump before leaving. 

You know that part where your girlfriend is your bestie and you have to be such a good girl to everyone? Her family loved me and mine her and people were gonna kill me with questions. The only best way was to leave the city entirely which I couldn't do at the time due to financial constraints.

Sometimes people stay back for tons of reasons which may not make sense to the audience but it sure are  valid reasons to the victim. 

Many LGBT people in Nigeria are to financially stable and this is a major setback for the community but nobody can stop a poor man from falling in love and when they do fall for the more financially stable they either become leeches or begin to discover a new level of who they're, starting to cheat or fail to do something for themselves and all the while living off of someone else, this right here I have discovered is the major cause of abuse in the community and so many other things I can't type ATM. 

[ChazBee]

9 hours ago, MENA said:

In this age and time to an extend, those are not really issues. Is all about "choice" and is what life is all about. This jet age, information is readyly available  out there about abuses. Personal wants or needs should not be placed above your life because you may not be alive to tell the story. 

If orphans can become somebody out of nothing then nobody have an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship because of needs.

No matter where you are, or how timid you are, love will always find you is just the matter of time.

My sister, is just about the chioces we make in life.

@MENA I understand that you are very educated on the topic but we all aren't. There are people who has no or limited access to information. Trust me, nobody wakes up in the morning and gets herself ready to be beaten or nagged to death by a wicked girlfriend. 

I once met a girl in Lagos, she was 19 at the time and was dating a lady in her 40s and the older lady was abusing her quietly. The girl loved the lady who is apparently her first love and you understand how it was the first time you fell in love abi? 

The lady loved her too but the pressure of having this little girl who is so cute and has boys and men hovering around her almost got the lady jealous and she hits the girl to drive her point home, she steps out of the flat and puts on a smile. 

One day I was alone and others had gone to work and another episode ensued, I  didn't know where it was coming from so I stepped out of the flat and almost bumped into the lady then she drove out. I knew it was the ever cheerful girl so I went in and tried to talk to her but our stories aren't the type you go tell your friends or family members, you must sort the right audience first. 

I told her I was the right audience then she opened up. The Auntie had lived in same compound as her family and had always liked her as a kid, was the first to kiss her and first she ever loved but she's threatened by the boys, men and girls around her plus other reasons. 

I told her to go home to her family and she told me her family will chase her back because  the lady helps her family financially and so she has decided to stay and take the abuse until she gets into the University and can afford to run away. 

I was in Lagos recently and luckily ran into the girl, she got admitted into unilag and the lady got an apartment close to the school where they now live. She looked so unhappy and asked me to help her,  she showed me scars and minor wounds and I felt do bad that I couldn't do anything for her but I promised her that whenever I can afford to, I'll look for her. 

This is the story of one LGBT girl, there are thousands of us out there that if we don't reach out they won't know there are people they can talk to 

[VINA]

@Mena Mena. Lool. Them say pikin wey dey him mama back no dey know how far the journey be.

Count yourself lucky that you can easily walk away from abuse.

If you hear the top career women going through abuse ehn, you go shock. Some people need help and I am glad that @ChazBee has chosen to bell the cat.

 

If you ever do start, I am here to support and help you in any way I can. 

[ChazBee]

1 hour ago, vina said:

@Mena Mena. Lool. Them say pikin wey dey him mama back no dey know how far the journey be.

Count yourself lucky that you can easily walk away from abuse.

If you hear the top career women going through abuse ehn, you go shock. Some people need help and I am glad that @ChazBee has chosen to bell the cat.

 

If you ever do start, I am here to support and help you in any way I can. 

That's lovely @vina cos I'll need all the help I can get. Thank you dear 

[VINA]

5 minutes ago, ChazBee said:

That's lovely @vina cos I'll need all the help I can get. Thank you dear 

U w sweet

[RedSafire]

22 hours ago, ChazBee said:

@MENA I understand that you are very educated on the topic but we all aren't. There are people who has no or limited access to information. Trust me, nobody wakes up in the morning and gets herself ready to be beaten or nagged to death by a wicked girlfriend. 

I once met a girl in Lagos, she was 19 at the time and was dating a lady in her 40s and the older lady was abusing her quietly. The girl loved the lady who is apparently her first love and you understand how it was the first time you fell in love abi? 

The lady loved her too but the pressure of having this little girl who is so cute and has boys and men hovering around her almost got the lady jealous and she hits the girl to drive her point home, she steps out of the flat and puts on a smile. 

One day I was alone and others had gone to work and another episode ensued, I  didn't know where it was coming from so I stepped out of the flat and almost bumped into the lady then she drove out. I knew it was the ever cheerful girl so I went in and tried to talk to her but our stories aren't the type you go tell your friends or family members, you must sort the right audience first. 

I told her I was the right audience then she opened up. The Auntie had lived in same compound as her family and had always liked her as a kid, was the first to kiss her and first she ever loved but she's threatened by the boys, men and girls around her plus other reasons. 

I told her to go home to her family and she told me her family will chase her back because  the lady helps her family financially and so she has decided to stay and take the abuse until she gets into the University and can afford to run away. 

I was in Lagos recently and luckily ran into the girl, she got admitted into unilag and the lady got an apartment close to the school where they now live. She looked so unhappy and asked me to help her,  she showed me scars and minor wounds and I felt do bad that I couldn't do anything for her but I promised her that whenever I can afford to, I'll look for her. 

This is the story of one LGBT girl, there are thousands of us out there that if we don't reach out they won't know there are people they can talk to 

Thank you @chazbee, your story is not unique and is one I see everyday. I am sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves to experience that kind of pain. Unfortunately, many of the sexual response center we have are not inclusive and will not attend to LGBTQI issues. Maybe someday, we will have enough awareness to understand mental health cuts across all regardless of sex.

[RedSafire]

On 11/18/2018 at 9:54 PM, MENA said:

Yes but still it all started from one point.

When you make yourself so, so vunerable before someone,  they end up taking your virtue then the issue of fear comes in. 

The thing there is people don't know when to stop in a relationship, when relationship has turn from joy to depression and fear, people should run for their dear life.

Is better to die on the road than to die in an abusive relationship.

For instance the heart braeking story that came up on facebook last month, a lady that was beaten to death two weeks after her marriage to that same man that killed her even with pregnancy.

And it was leant that even in their relationship he was always beating her. 

So my point is why allow all this, if  not Choice.

@MENA, I actually understand where you are coming from, and at one time I had that view and still do have it. For one, I do not like being used as a financial cow and doubt anyone does. A relationship should be mutually fulfilling for both parties. Where one party is only in it for the spoils, they should be ready for the kickbacks. Why would I want to place myself at the beck and call of another person for money? There no situation that will make you give up your independence for money.  Now, it is different when a girl is sponging off, of another and one where you willing and openly went into a “love” relationship knowing your girl’s situation but use it against her to intimidate, and physically bruise her because of money.

@ChazBee example of the 19 year old is a common abuse scenario. People offer help to those less futurnate and resort to abuse and intimidation to control them. Many times the victims develop Stockholm syndrome and fall more in love with their abusers. One of the most common reasons survivors give for not leaving an abusive relation is love, followed by fear.

The truth is that there is always signs of abuse before you enter any relationship. I have called off more relationships than I can count because some raised their voice or tried to manipulate me! But this is because I am aware enough and empowered to know what the signs are. I do not have a relationship, not because I don’t know girls but I have not found one who like me understands what a healthy relationship shouldn’t be!

My personal perspectives aside, it is not for me to judge or down play the fact that these things do happen.

 

[Hawken]

I've been in an abusive relationship before. The main reason I didn't leave was because I thought I could change her, make her a better person. And I did. At my detriment.

I was older in every way, I was the one with the money, i was stronger yet I was still the one getting mucked. But everytime it happened, I rationalised it by thinking about the background she came from, subsequently feeling bad for her and then putting even more effort to show how that I loved her. It didn't work. I was still catching hands. And other things.

I remember this one day she drove me mad. We were at her house. Till date I'm still shook at the things that happened that night. I just kept telling her, "you've broken me, I don't know who this is".

So I proper broke up with her. When her usual ways of getting me back didn't work, she settled down and asked me what I wanted, I told her "no more hitting. Not only will I leave if you ever hit me again, I'll f***k you up before I leave". I was at my wits end.

She stopped the hitting, but then started breaking things. Her things thankfully. But slowly we worked through that.

You know why I left? I left because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I was so angry, so resentful, so full of hate. I knew I didn't deserve all the shit she did to me, all the things she used to say. And omg, the cheating!

The first day I beat the hell out of her in my mind was the day I knew we were done. I knew one day I would beat her up and it wouldn't be pretty. But even worse, I'll probably never forgive myself and it would lead me down a path I didn't want to tread. So the next time we argued, I left her.

Sad thing was, that was the best point in our relationship. She wasn't cheating, she wasnt hitting, she wasn't cussing as much.

It took me years to let go of all that anger and hurt. But I made sure I did it before going into another relationship. Didnt want to put all that baggage on some other person, nobody deserves that.

So now, the slightest hint of emotional, verbal or physical abuse has me running. Even from friends and acquaintances. But not before I give you double of what you tried to give me sha.

I've used up all my bigger person 😂😁

[kimi]

12 minutes ago, Hawken said:

I've used up all my bigger person 😂 😁

Hahahaha...

12 minutes ago, Hawken said:

The first day I beat the hell out of her in my mind was the day I knew we were done

I applaud you my friend... this was your cue. 

 

14 minutes ago, Hawken said:

You know why I left? I left because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I was so angry, so resentful, so full of hate. 

I'm so proud of you. It isn't worth compromising our sanity for anyone. Love illuminates. It is light and not darkness.

Above all, it is important that we love ourselves enough. Walk away while your mind is still intact. 

[Hawken]

4 minutes ago, kimi said:

I'm so proud of you. It isn't worth compromising our sanity for anyone.

 

😀😀😀

[ChazBee]

2 hours ago, RedSafire said:

@ChazBee example of the 19 year old is a common abuse scenario. People offer help to those less futurnate and resort to abuse and intimidation to control them. Many times the victims develop Stockholm syndrome and fall more in love with their abusers. One of the most common reasons survivors give for not leaving an abusive relation is love, followed by fear.

The truth is that there is always signs of abuse before you enter any relationship. I have called off more relationships than I can count because some raised their voice or tried to manipulate me! But this is because I am aware enough and empowered to know what the signs are. I do not have a relationship, not because I don’t know girls but I have not found one who like me understands what a healthy relationship shouldn’t be!

My personal perspectives aside, it is not for me to judge or down play the fact that these things do happen.

You're 100%, in our device to hide who we are many people take different tactics to stay with the one they love, most times we take it close to home involving families and close friends. If we stop being together too many questions are gonna be asked and we stay sometimes because we don't have answers to the questions yet so we take the pain, the abuse and the inhumane acts because we've gotten so used to someone that we're scared to face the world alone and even more scared to move on or fall in love with someone else. 

This is the story of that 19year old, this is my story for almost 5 years and it is the story of a lot of girls. 

[ChazBee]

1 hour ago, Hawken said:

I've been in an abusive relationship before. The main reason I didn't leave was because I thought I could change her, make her a better person. And I did. At my detriment.

I was older in every way, I was the one with the money, i was stronger yet I was still the one getting mucked. But everytime it happened, I rationalised it by thinking about the background she came from, subsequently feeling bad for her and then putting even more effort to show how that I loved her. It didn't work. I was still catching hands. And other things.

I remember this one day she drove me mad. We were at her house. Till date I'm still shook at the things that happened that night. I just kept telling her, "you've broken me, I don't know who this is".

So I proper broke up with her. When her usual ways of getting me back didn't work, she settled down and asked me what I wanted, I told her "no more hitting. Not only will I leave if you ever hit me again, I'll f***k you up before I leave". I was at my wits end.

She stopped the hitting, but then started breaking things. Her things thankfully. But slowly we worked through that.

You know why I left? I left because I couldn't recognize myself anymore. I was so angry, so resentful, so full of hate. I knew I didn't deserve all the shit she did to me, all the things she used to say. And omg, the cheating!

The first day I beat the hell out of her in my mind was the day I knew we were done. I knew one day I would beat her up and it wouldn't be pretty. But even worse, I'll probably never forgive myself and it would lead me down a path I didn't want to tread. So the next time we argued, I left her.

Sad thing was, that was the best point in our relationship. She wasn't cheating, she wasnt hitting, she wasn't cussing as much.

It took me years to let go of all that anger and hurt. But I made sure I did it before going into another relationship. Didnt want to put all that baggage on some other person, nobody deserves that.

So now, the slightest hint of emotional, verbal or physical abuse has me running. Even from friends and acquaintances. But not before I give you double of what you tried to give me sha.

I've used up all my bigger person 😂😁

That a boss step babe, leaving is hard but usually worth it. I wish I left when I should, wish I didn't downplay myself so that she would be comfortable with me, I wish I didn't give up so much and lose almost everything just to stay in love. Mostly I wish I can put five years in writing. I  wish I can tell my story, every bit of it. Am very proud of people who knew when to leave and now I understand why others are too scared to. 

[Hawken]

4 minutes ago, ChazBee said:

I wish I didn't give up so much and lose almost everything just to stay in love.

* Hugs *

[ChazBee]

3 hours ago, RedSafire said:

Thank you @chazbee, your story is not unique and is one I see everyday. I am sorry you had to go through that. No one deserves to experience that kind of pain. Unfortunately, many of the sexual response center we have are not inclusive and will not attend to LGBTQI issues. Maybe someday, we will have enough awareness to understand mental health cuts across all regardless of sex.

This is my utmost prayer, that instead of fighting a government that has decided to play deaf, dumb and blind to our matter we protect our own first because if we don't when we finally get a place in the society there will be so many mentally unhealthy people to share it with 

[RayBlac]

On 10/4/2018 at 7:38 PM, dequeen said:

Would you rather date someone who is crazily in love with you ( and you too are in love with this person) but disrespects you, cheats on you, is abusive towards you, is extremely controlling, possessive and jealous?

OR

Would you rather date a person who there's just a mutual likeness (just cool) but she respects you, is faithful to you, is kind and understanding and helpful and really nice to you?

Which would you rather date and why??

For the first scenario, is that really love? I don't think there's any love there because someone who loves you wouldn't do any of those things to you. And, I wouldn't want to be with such a person.

I would rather be with the second person with whom exists a mutual likeness than the first. Maybe not date, at least friends.

But the question is about dating, so it would definitely be the second.

[RayBlac]

An interesting conversation going on here. I also like what you plan on doing @ChazBee. I do have a question: how do you get to reach those who are in an abusive relationship based on one reason or the other and find it difficult to leave based on those same reasons, like the story of the girl you shared? How can they be assisted?

Edited November 21, 2018 by RayBlac
Wasn't done typing

[ChazBee]

2 hours ago, RayBlac said:

An interesting conversation going on here. I also like what you plan on doing @ChazBee. I do have a question: how do you get to reach those who are in an abusive relationship based on one reason or the other and find it difficult to leave based on those same reasons, like the story of the girl you shared? How can they be assisted?

The first plan is to get across to members about the idea so that when I start to risk my life putting words out there to create awareness and such people reaches out, I  can travel to their base to confirm their stories and then start a gofundme on their behalf after which I keep tabs on them and update you guys or success or fall backs but things are still in it's conception stage and I will need all the help I can get 

[Hawken]

Gofundme from the public or just within the queer community?

[ChazBee]

34 minutes ago, Hawken said:

Gofundme from the public or just within the queer community?

Within the community of course, you  want Nigerians to curse out my generation? Lol

We'll only sort for help within the community and then reach out to international queer communities and other agencies that can help, like Humans of New York and other such organizations. 

I will also enlist people in different states to go register with us, like drop their details with us where we would plan hang outs or some role call gathering and if one is absent for some period of time we go check on them. 

It's not going to be easy but God go help me sha.

The fund I need for this I don't know where it's gonna come from yet but am doing the part that doesn't need money yet. But any which way, it must happen 

[Hawken]

13 hours ago, ChazBee said:

Within the community of course, you  want Nigerians to curse out my generation? Lol

We'll only sort for help within the community and then reach out to international queer communities and other agencies that can help, like Humans of New York and other such organizations. 

I will also enlist people in different states to go register with us, like drop their details with us where we would plan hang outs or some role call gathering and if one is absent for some period of time we go check on them. 

It's not going to be easy but God go help me sha.

The fund I need for this I don't know where it's gonna come from yet but am doing the part that doesn't need money yet. But any which way, it must happen 

Sounds like a good one. Let us know how we can help when that time comes.

[ChazBee]

10 minutes ago, Hawken said:

Sounds like a good one. Let us know how we can help when that time comes.

Thanks so much dear, I appreciate the encouragement #hugs#