A Very Public Diary ☻

[kimi]

Disclaimer: the thoughts expressed here are mine and mine alone. Lol

[kimi]

Mehn.... I've been listening to all sorts of audiobooks, exposing myself to certain concepts that could very well alter my worldview. I think I'm ready to receive it or my mind wouldn't have been able to accept or make sense of it. 

Oh well... more about this later. Lol. 

Now, I want to write about my heart. Lol. It is the most beautiful part of me. I'm sure my lovers past, present and future would agree. Hahahahaha. 

This is how it works: I feel an intense feeling and calmness about a certain thing and that automatically gives me confirmation to proceed. Rarely do I do a thing without consulting with the state of my heart. 

Well.... as you may imagine, it could come off as self-centred. Aren't we all at some level of consciousness? Lol.

One thing is sure: I am always true to myself and my heart's leading. It has led me in and out of love. Lol. It has led me in and out of jobs. Lol. It is constantly and gently leading me towards my soul's truest form. My journey has been an adventure. Life is an adventure and the truth is, I'm curious where it's leading me next.

[kimi]

Polyamory.

I would never have imagined that I would share this sentiment but oh well... we evolve. At least, some of us do. Lol

My thoughts are based on the premise that: we are love and we are one with God.

If we understood what love truly meant and we stopped confusing it with 'needing' another or 'monopolizing' another, then this would be easier to grasp.

Without going too deeply into the subject, I can see how one can feel intense love towards several others with each love not taking away from the other. Love is a gift you give.

Of course, culture has normalized that we create 'space' between each love. Lol. and that we demonize any soul connections occuring simultaneously. 

At the end of the day, what is important is that we stay true.

[kimi]

Today was draining, fullstop

[kimi]

Here I was thinking I would be able to make an entry daily. Lol. I underestimated capitalism. Lol 

October 20th. We remember. We will not forget.

[kimi]

Emotions.

Feel your emotions. They are indicators. No emotion or feeling is ever wrong. None. Actions may be wrong but not those. 

Trust yourself more. Society has conditioned us to doubt our feelings but we miss the point when we fail to allow it lead us to our truth -because it is only when we lean into them that we can fully understand ourselves.

These days, I'm very intentional about my energy and my time. Even with close friends, I shut off. I allow myself recover from a hectic day and I take all the time I need before I return a call or a mesage. I prefer that I'm (mentally) at a place where I can give of myself to another without feeling burnt out on any level. I am very protective of my mental space, perhaps, we all should.

[kimi]

King Richard.

I'm looking forward to when this movie hits the cinemas and I know just who I'm going to drag along with me. Lol. She doesn't know it yet but I have it all planned out. 😈  oh, I also have December all planned. Lol. 

 

[kimi]

Writing.

I've taken to writing a lot more these days. I realize that I gain clarity when I let my thoughts flow unto my notepad. It's as though I'm better able to see through the words once they are out of my mind. It is as though the notepad allows them more room and so, they are well spaced them out making me literally read between the lines. Lol.

I'm enoying my journaling (oh, I'm not referring to this journal Lol). I'll keep it up. 

[kimi]

Love.

Is it possible to stop loving someone? I'm not sure what the answer is. I always say that those I have loved always have a piece of my heart but do they really?

One thing I know for sure is that, if it is true love, you will always love that person irrespective of time and space. When you reconnect even after so many years have gone by, it would feel as though no time was ever lost. Love in its purest form I dare say is spiritual and thereby eternal. ☻

[kimi]

The New Week.

I'm filled with a blend of excitement and nerves about the new week and it has absolutely nothing to do with the usual. Lol. I have looked forward to this week all month and now, it is upon me. Lol. 

There are no exciting movies these days. I saw one though which seems hilarious with some potential. I may go for it or not. Lol. It is going to be one busy week but I sort of like 'busy', times flies rather quickly when its busy. 

Oh... and there's also that! 

[kimi]

Today.

It started of pretty well and then someone upset me. Then i got over it and the rest of the day went pretty smoothly untill another set of people annoyed me. Hahahahaha. Knowing myself, I knew I had a quick decision to make: either I took my angry self back to work and have the rest of my day tainted by something not even worth the damage or go have some Calamari and wedges at some newly discovered spot. Well... all I can see is that the meal was worth it... Great playlist too! What's not to love ☻

Happy days. Lol. 

[kimi]

Therapy.

I'm my own therapist. Girl... the depth of questioning and the profound nature of hidden truths I reveal about myself is quite astounding. 

I've always had a knack for it anyways. Hahahaha. I'm wise beyond my years but of course, it is expected. We know all things. All things are one. 

[kimi]

Self Discovery.

Wow! We never stop learning new things about ourselves it seems. Lol. So I found out that I shake my legs when in bed. Lol. I think it is meant to soothe me somehow. Lol. Weird. I also found out that I make jokes when conversations are getting pretty intense as a form of escape or better still, a way of diffusing a situation I consider too serious. Lool. 

[kimi]

The L word.

It's interesting how different people (women) inspire either of the L words. I find it fascinating because each time it happens, it pretty much drives my interests with those concerned. 

When I feel with my heart, the centre within my chest, I know what it is because it is typically intense and unshakable. It is a sort of anchor that deeply connects me to another. When this happens, I take it very seriously. 

When I feel with another part of me. Hahahahaha. I also recognize it for what it is because this variant is purely sensual and more targetted at "knowing" the other. 

I enjoy the former. It is pure and beautiful. 

[kimi]

The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

By the way, that's me. Loooool. I'm serious. Lool. Really. 

So.... I think I am a little full of myself which isn't a bad thing at all. All I need to do more of, as advised by my personal person (lol), is to read the room a bit more. ☻ lol

I'm learning a lot about love from very random encounters. When you are used to chaos and unpredictability being part of love, then it distorts the very essence of love. Love is peaceful and a lot of people may find it rather boring. Lol. But when love is done right, it heals. Love is light. 

[kimi]

I'm happy.

[kimi]

Words to Feelings.

Putting words to my feelings has never been an easy task for me. Weird I know...

I think it comes from years of repressing a lot of my emotions in the earlier part of my life. So typically, emotions that are easily recognizable aren't as easy for me to detect until I have sat with it a while, probed deeply, described how it makes me feel and talked more about it openly even if it to myself. Lol.

I've found the remedy anyways, it is in allowing myself fully feel my feelings and not pushing them into the background and talking about them as well. I'm doing a lot of that these days with my personal person. 

[kimi]

Thankful.

I'm thankful for a lot of things. Having love and support in their various forms is one of them. I do hope everyone finds love and support in this world. Search it out if it can't be found in your immediate family. 

It makes our journey easier to bear. 

[kimi]

Musings.

The first step to healing is being in a healthy relationship where there is (emotional) consistency and effort from both sides. 

I had a realization today. That I am capable of loving unconditionally! I practically did a small dance in excitement. I should give myself some more credit sometimes. Lol. I realised that unconditional love is about loving people as they are and for who they are at their very core -wanting nothing more. That is, love that isn't influenced by anything outside of who they are. This may best be understood when you think of the love you have for babies in general and how they don't need to earn your affection because it flows naturally from your heart. 

I am fortunate and thankful. 

[kimi]

Treats.

Hmmm... When I take a woman out, I make sure it is guaranteed to impress. I wonder why this is. Not any woman of course, my love interests. I guess this feeling is normal? Lol. I hope so and that there isn't  a deeper meaning tied to childhood trauma stories. Lool. 

Today was good but I felt it missing something. Not sure what exactly but it has left me rather unsatisfied and pensive. 

The weekend has been an easy one. Oh! I got sent the Davido video and I was moved by the N5,000, N3,000, N500, N100 donations than I was with the millions. Beyond donating the contributions to foundations and orphanages, I do hope some of these monies reach his fans who are without means as well... 

[kimi]

Walking away.

This is typical me. First off, because I'm not a fan of confrontations.and secondly, but more importantly, if it isn't worth my energy or my time, I simply keep it moving.

I haven't always been this perfect. Looool. ☻ As a matter of fact, I take offense rather quickly. These days, what I think has helped is that I find myself leveraging that space between stimulus and response quite well. As a matter of fact, I usually have a mini/brief conversation/check-in in my head about the different possible outcomes that could ensue depending on what course of action I pursue. This (now) instinctive exercise has been quite beneficial... I stray sometimes though but at least, I am aware and quite intentional about it. Today was one of such days when I attained perfection..

[kimi]

Girlfriend. Partner. Wife

Hmmm... now what's the difference? My personal person says the Partner status is for when one's SO is more than a Girlfriend but less than a Wife and the Wife status is definitely when the SO is more than just a Partner. Lool. I like that definition. I wonder if you agree. 

What to do for the holidays... there are lots of coded places in this Lagos though... 

 

[kimi]

Divine manipulation or Divine guidance.

The answer lies in perspectives. Same as the cup being half full or half empty. 

So! The other day, while taking my usual walks, I had a realization. I would try to put my thoughts down as coherently as possible. Lol. 

I was having a moment where I had noticed alignment between my desire and my reality and I had previously not noticed it even when it had been there all along. I hope you aren't lost yet. Lol. And so, this made me think to myself: "how is it that I missed this earlier even when I had looked over and over again but kept seeing the same thing which had only started to take on a different appearance on the day of my realization". How is it that the same words written in the same order meant sonething else months ago is only now being interpreted correctly? The interesting part of this incidence is that if I had read the same meaning into it as I have now done, those months ago, I would certainly have rewritten it. I would have made changes. 

Naturally, I was amused, slightly upset and then amazed by this sort of blindness to a black and white type of situation that I started to wonder if the universe had manipulated me into getting what I now have which of course, is what I have always wanted. Lol. Don't get confused now, I can see how this may not make much sense to someone reading it. Lool.

Then... a thought flooded my mind at that instance. I remembered once again my pact (lol) all those years ago and one that I have consistently and continuously afffirmed. And so, I realized that I was simply being guided by the universe all along to frame what I had experienced the way that I had and that it had all occured in the sequence that it had because the universe knows me too well and had to cover its bases. Lol. 

[kimi]

Don't force it.

Time and time again, I have learnt not to force it. If that idea isn't coming, I don't force it. If I'm studying and for some reason, I'm not able to assimilate, I let it be. 

Well.... more like, I force it and then I give up. Lol. I should trust the universe more with these things. Today, I just haven't felt like doing much although I know that I should be working on a certain project. To force it or not to? Well... to ensure it isn't mere laziness, I force it till I'm sure that it is mean't to be left alone.

From experience, it always always works out in the end as the thing is usually not required. 

[kimi]

"A relationship is a place you go to give not to get" -Tony Robbins